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She made the First move.. He made the last


Prolong: Honestly, I didn’t want to finish this story or publish it but it has been on my heart to finish it. I had it finished in my head but the words just wouldn’t come on the paper the way I wanted from my heart. And this love story is about being at the distance with someone and trying to build with someone while making mistakes that can’t be taken back. This is where it all lead to, she did make the first move and he made the last move. I originally wrote a section of this story two years ago and it was titled “You made the last move “. I couldn’t finish it then and it was a struggle to find the words on paper for it all to make sense, taking weeks to think and rewrite it out and finally letting it been seen by the world is another story all together.

They met two years ago, she made the first move and they started admiring of each other work then becoming quick friends but feeling changed during that first year for her in their relationship. She made the first move April 6th, 2018 towards him impulsively and unexpectedly and she was glad she did since that moment. He stayed through the good times, the bad times but he left once before, he disappeared for two weeks. He knew then she would have jumped on a first flight to see him back then. This time around, she made him leave forever after her birthday and with her last words, " I have been taking to another". She confessed everything to him because she said she would always be honest with him. Right or wrong of her choices, she made them, she spoke her truth. She knew if she didn’t tell him right then and there, he will find out anyway from her own mouth later, she rather tell him while she’s hurting already then to relive it all over again. She gave him the option to leave, no questions asked since everything else in her life is destroyed already and he left that moment, out the door. She knew he will never return even if she didn’t make her mistake. And two months later she regrets it all but it had to happen then in the future. Days later, she’s sitting in the Porsche dealership waiting on her car to be finished being serviced for hours and they finally call her name finally. She walks over and looks over the paperwork and the charges, she notices his name appearing as the mechanic. She couldn’t believe the odds and the coincidences of his name showing up, taking her back for a moment; she signs her name underneath his. Walking out to the parking lot that day, she decided to check her messages and saw nothing but a song called, “What could’ve been” by Gone West playing on the stereo at the same moment.

On this Leap year afternoon, she sat and reminisce about their past and happy moments in her days after he left Jan 14th, 2020. She pulled out the note, she wrote when he left the first-time dated August 2018. As she read the written page allowed in her empty studio, she ran her fingertips over the title over a few times, "You made the last move". Closing her eyes, she titles her back for a brief moment and let it all sink of her repeated reality. Thinking of the first time he called her, made her heart jump and skipped a beat or two. she was nervous as a cat but he would never know that. When she saw he was calling while she was working at her office, butterflies instantly in her stomach and she didn’t know quite know what to say at first but letting him to take the lead. She remembers saying, “It’s about time you called”. And he replied, “You know I figured it was about time we talked on the phone since we have been texting a for a long time and I wanted to hear your voice”. She was impressed but he would never know that and she always wondered why he took so long to dial her number when it has been his hands for year, his best mate must have convinced him to finally hit the call button. She remembered smiling ear to ear that day and calling her sisters right after that phone call end but he would never know that either. As she’s daydreams away a little longer, she remembers seeing him in his red plaid shirt for the first time and thinking, “He’s an amazing talented man”.

Before this continues just know she’s done with it all, the game, the idea; everything. She misses him every day and yet she knows everything had to happen for a reason. She loved him since the day she said, “Hello handsome”. Took her months to stop crying through dawn each night and accepting it all and now she’s slowly removing him from her reality, her memories of him from her phone. She knew, the second she typed the last message to him before she hit sent, he was gone. He’s done and gone just like she predicted he would after he asked, “What else is going on for you to be more upset?” Someone that she thought was a good friend to her and treated her kindly was the type of person that wanted to break her heart and teach her a lesson that she needed to learn. She never blamed him because she would have done same when he left that moment, when she confessed what she did and what she’s going through.


She remembered the day; she wrote those first two paragraphs with the fly of her blue pen and now knowing why she could never finish that story as she tries to finish it now in the exact place where it all started 1,095 days ago and 5,271 miles apart with the same page in her hands. Wondering if she even should continue it as she watches a young couple meeting for the first time at the place, where she said she would want to meet him first across from her studio. The universe tells her not to finish it but it needs a proper ending to it; she thinks with a background to it than just a reason for them meeting and just ending. Or maybe she never wants them to end, even on paper because then it comes tangible and real in her own hands.

She knows, she broke his heart for the second time in her life and the idea of her in a single moment. She’s never broken a heart before. She’s always been the one getting her heart broken and what she did broke her into a million pieces. Days before he finally admitted he wanted something more, a chance to meet, a chance to touch, a chance to see each other within breathable distance. He asked her to meet in person on her next trip out of the city where she would be in the exact place few months later. She remembered being happy reading that messaging blinking across her screen unexpectedly on her birthday. All she ever wanted from, the start and she threw it all away with her confession a week later. She didn’t want their beginning to start knowing she betrayed him in the end. She wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eye knowing that and he deserved better than what she gave him in return. Because she kept asking for more in the past and he always said, “We are at distance and in two different places”. She decided too not to hold him to that dream of them as much as she had from there on. She enjoyed his company, his character, his banter each day and his good morning notes. Every day she expected him to say, he met someone else when things kept being the same between them; she never expected herself to be that person in a million years but she was. She knows who she is and during that time frame she walked away from her own logic and messed everything up for herself but she starts putting herself together slowly each day, alone. Working herself into every project she could to not think until she physically too tired to sleep.

A week later she leaves one last message to him, knowing he will never read it and never respond anyway. She knew she was going back on her word of talking to him again but his last word of “I don’t know what to say” wouldn’t leave her heart on her quiet days, no matter how much she tried to block those words out. On her trip to another city for the most important business meeting of the year, she allows herself to think about it in the LA traffic that lasted an hour longer than expected. She starts to type every single thought of him, she ever had and how sorry she is and she hopes he finds a great woman that unconditionally loves him with every fiber of her being. “I regret everything and I can’t believe I did this to you and I see who I am now and how you see through your eyes. Hope you find a woman that loves you and never hurts you like I did, you deserve an unconditional type of love and you are amazing man. And you create beautiful moments for people that leave people speechless”. Sitting in that back seat of a ford escape, she had a few tears, explaining her life falling part to a complete stranger and she said, “ I am going to act perfectly okay because I built my own bed and I have to lay in what I have done and that’s what I deserve.” Four days later she went to delete it and move on forever but he read it. She didn’t think she could move from her chair that moment even if there was earthquake around her studio and she said out loud, “He saw my words” tears slipped from her eyes that moment without her realizing she was in tears. It took her another day later to erase that paragraph because she said exactly what she wanted to say and there was no point letting it sit there for another moment torturing herself thinking he would response or question herself on why she said something in the first place.

Looking back at the two young lovers across the street and reminisced about their discussion of their first potential meeting “Date”. Right before she starts to remove the few photos, she kept of him, three weeks later, she started to stare into those chestnut colored eyes. She said in a wispier, “You said once you will never leave and you also never said if you ever wanted me in the first place. You would say gorgeous you worry too much and you always finding problems “. Looking at his photo for a little longer, she knows he probably has someone new else by now or had someone in-between. She has to accepted it all and there is a reason behind it all.



Coming back to her reality she smiles with her eyes and heart and looks back at that soprano mug photo and looked beyond the mug to his eyes. She sent their story out to the world without giving it another look over and she removed what’s left of him from her phone. And whispered, “We are two strangers again and I hope you are truly happy and get everything you desire in this life. And if you talk to me again or you don’t it was nice to know you” Folding the white lined paper back up and slides it back into the red and white striped enveloped and puts the envelope back into her black leather writer's bag. She gathers the rest of her belongings and heads over to the coffee shop across the windy street. And purchases two brownies and their next drinks on her, for that sweet couple forming in the corner booth as she wished that was her future. She heads out the door to the train station across the street with her one-way ticket to her next adventure. She knows love does exist; people make things work together does exist. And she knows, she won’t go seeking out for love in her phone anymore. One day love will find her and that love won’t be easy but it will be the right amount of perfect.



Epilogue: You made the last move – Original note

The Original note she wrote during the time he left the first time and she could never finish it then. He told her once he wanted to see it and she should finish it someday. She told him, “It hurt too much to finish it and I know why because it was about you”.

I risked my heart for you, thinking of when I shouldn’t have gotten attached to you; barley even knowing you. Months of getting to know you and one day you were gone. Disappeared without warning I cried over you, when I shouldn’t of; but it was bound to happen in my mind, there’s no way you could enjoy my company any longer. Things moved fast unexpectedly between us and I was falling for you without knowing it from the very beginning. You knew everything about my past and I still know little about you besides your family and that cutie that I grew to love. Messaging you a few days later to see if you were doing okay at least. And I didn’t hear a sound from you. In the beginning of your silence made me think more about my own thoughts of you. All I could was stare into my phone and wonder about you and cry too many tears than I would like to admit to anyone including myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to message you again, I must have been ghosted. I felt safe with you and that’s hard to even bring myself to admit that from all the other ones, they never made me feel safe as you did.

In quiet days, the tears became less but my mind still wondered during my work hours, “What I was to you?” in your mind. Getting lost in my wandering mind can lead to endless unanswered questions. “He is okay? Did I matter just a little bit? Or did I get used for the hundred time? Did I miss the signs, he gave?”

I miss those little messages blinking on my phone during a meeting would brighten my day without reading it. The day there was silence from you was the day I wanted more and move into a different direction with you. I had to let that go and I know that is the right move in my head. Two weeks go by then you reappeared, I didn’t know what to think or what to do believe or how to feel about either. Hearing you were fine was just enough for me. Come to find out in the end, you had a phone issue for two weeks straight.

You know where am I, that's where I will be and stay. And I will always wonder if you ever told anyone about me and if all of us were suppose never really begin. I know from the beginning where I stood about you and I know the ending it all is all on me, not on you. You know where to find me, even with a parachute, checkmate.


Author Note : I hope you enjoyed this piece and I can't wait to hear your feedback.

The next piece is called , "If I was gone today " and will be coming out soon

Love, misread

 

Wish I could hit Pause 

I wish I could go back time and fix things, stop things. Press pause if I could.

I am writing this on a Sunday night September 8th.

Things change in seconds, in minutes, in hours. Its life ,I learned. I try not to have regrets, have any arguments with anyone. When life changes unexpectedly in hours; life is put into perspective quickly and everything in life goes away that seems big, shrink to absolutely nothing. Standing in cold shower is easier than moving, thinking or even talking. Going to bed thinking my little celebration of things happening in my life. Then finding out in the morning, things are completely different over night, Samson is completely different dog. Not the Sam, that anyone knows. Things happen throughout the day and now at night it's a waiting game to see what to do in the morning. In times like this ,I think about life and lives gone in my life.The ones gone too soon, the ones who lost battles and the who slip in between fingertips. I go through names by the years, I linger on the names that remind me of Sam's willpower. That had battled cancer and fought one, twice and three times then lost. Sams battle started last month and ended this month. From last Friday with good news about his results to what happened now.



Since writing this last, Sunday through Monday things have drastically changed in life. It's a Tuesday morning in another doctor office, alone in a empty room that I process my world again. Losing another family member that was close to my heart for six years.I loved him before he existed in life. I still smell like him in my clothes and in my car from friday. Samson was a special family member that had his big moments barking at the delivery guys, chased off any wildlife to protect and loved playing in water, chasing light and Play with Jolly toys. And of course his big bed by the fireplace, always watching people's movements from there was probably his favorite spot besides the pond out back where he chased the squirrels up the pine tree everyday. I can't forget his bumble bee toy that he would squeak non-stop and throw it in the air if he got it out the toy box when no one noticed. An irreplaceable best friend and big brother to Max.

Most people don't know Samson well like as, family knew him the best. He liked to pick and choose his friends and family; You could ask the countless workers that came by and some family members he never approved of fully. I will miss walking out and finding him by the door or in his bed underneath the fireplace with those golden eyes looking back at me, I have looked for him each morning and calling for his name thinking Max is Samson.

Being told this guy wouldn't last another day when it turns out he lasted a whole month! I don't think he knew he was sick , he was the one to alert the house to other dogs trying to ge into JJ'S pin at midnight. He proved everyone wrong in the process. He was and still is in my opinion the best fighter and always spoke his mind in ways .

Monday, September Ninth was his the last day with us and on the worst day , he made us laugh, cry and he was stronger than ever, he's big heart and strength truly showed in unbelievable ways. Some can say it was miracle or him tricking us but in a way it was Sam to point. I would like to share the beautiful moments before his passing than anything else. But there is something I must share first about that sunday morning. In Samson last days, he was starting to refuse to his meals and his meds. Sunday morning he seemed fine until seven, he wouldn't move from his place on the deck. I got him to drink some iced water but refused chicken and a piece of hot dog; something was wrong. Upon feeding Max, he gingerly moved to the dog house. I went back outside with him with a few towels and blankets , It was a cold and chilly that day. Giving him and cuddles was the only thing I could, I got up turned my back he had either a seizure or a stroke in a matter of minutes. He couldn't move from that point, he was paralyzed in his back legs. what I saw that sunday morning changed me forever and I knew then I had to let him go , no matter how much as I and as a family unit don't want to but it's the right thing to do. Made calls for family to come home as soon as possible and figure out a way to help Our Samson feel good. It took all of us to move him inside hours later, give him his meds, hoping they would work. Called an emergency line to help us ,waited for call back all day long,never received one. Something beautiful out of that particular day ,a Beautiful red tail hawk watched over Samson that day , wherever he was, circling above high in the blue sky. He wouldn't allow certain people to leave the room he was in, he would cry out and try to follow them the best he could. Knowing we couldn't put him the car and drive him two hours , would only cause him more stressed. Kissing him goodnight was a tough moment, processing this would be my last goodnight kiss to him as I rested my head on top of his.

That Monday morning he seemed have a different attitude and tried to move around a bit more. He was determined to get outside that day with or without any help. Waiting for the vet to contact us with a plan and to come with our only options. That day he started to walk , he walked himself with some guidance through the front door and straight through the backyard. He forced himself into the side garden under the big oak, holding him up , he peed all over my shoes. Let me just say it was warm at the time but it made me laugh and but a smile on my face. He would do that just to make me laugh during one of my toughest day. And yes,I did change my socks and shoes ,Quickly! Getting him comfortable in blankets with his favorite toys and a view of the garden seemed perfect regardless the possibility of letting him go . Him and Max shared an ice cream together,one last time that afternoon. Max knew something was going to happen , along with the wildlife around. The outside world seems absolutely quiet that day, no other sounds than silence in the light breeze. And only that red tail circling once again up above watching us taking care of Samson. Upon the arrival of the vet, she determined that he had nerve damage from that moment on sunday. And since we doubled his dosage and that did nothing for him , our only option was to release him from any pain he was in.

At this point , I would like to thank my momma because I don't think either one of us could of done this day without each other. We shared more tears with each other watching our sam. But I think he loved her the most out of anyone , he was her shadow to the very end. I had to take a break from writing at this point.

Hearing the words that I knew were said to us , ran true in my heart that made my heart sink a little further into my body. I knew it was right thing to do, letting him go but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to snap my fingers and go back in time for him.Laying him down around his favorite toys and each one of on either side of him. Holding on to him, with our tears rolling down are our faces. Giving him our last kiss and our love, and our apologies. We told him, he could stop fighting, he fought his fight and we will be okay. As we held hands , rubbing his ears and face softly. I can still imagine that moment as in my head everytime I see that spot where he laid for the last time. I am glad his last moments where with us and looking out at the flower bed where he would chase flies for hours.I rested my head on top of his , just like how he would greet me , when he saw me. Hearing his finally breaths and watched his heart beat slow down , it became real.


After he past, the world was silent and I felt numb in my soul. I can't tell you how I was even walking after that. We wrapped him up is comfy blanket with is toys. We laid him to rest in the only spot that felt right for him. In the one spot that has always his , in the pond under the big oak tree. With his favorite bed around him , and one more goodbye later. It was the hardest day for me but I know if I wasn't with him until the end, I would never forgive myself. He has always been through my hardests moments, to hold on to or cry into his shoulder. Once his place was done, max laid on top of him with a toy. Broke my heart that he lost his friend to even when they didn't along at times. Max misses his best friend to fight over toys with and roll a ball in between them. And chase after the deers and the squirrels every morning together. Every morning and night since that monday he goes to say hi to and goodnight to Samson. The first few days in the morning while I sat with him, he rolled the Jolly ball that used to fight over to Samson's spot. I would sit and watch the moment with no words.



Running in the snow

Throughout the week, every morning I go say good morning to Samson first before I feed Max. I also noticed myself , feel how much is energy filled the home. I miss the barking at the door at from deliverlies. Arrive home to see his face in the window , excited that someone is home. I miss the sound of the scratching at the door to be let out. I still haven't brought myself to clean up the front window from his slobber from the week before. I miss his barking at mocha meowing for attention. I miss hearing his footsteps following behind me if I am going to into another room.Go through photos and videos of him were hard at first but finding the ones where that made laugh , almost felt like it was happening in my reality again. For example him jumping the pool for the tennis balls. Or the time He was completely covered in mud and ran through the house, That was mess. one of the things I miss seeing the most, is his grabbing my shoe from the corner and throwing in the sky because he was so excited about something. P.s He would never give the shoe back or put it back but then take the other half instead. He was a very active German shepherd and he always deserve the best. Placing him under the oak tree in the pond was fitting to his story and his personality and I can't imagine anything else for him to be . He is close to home and in his happy place.

Honestly I thought I could write this in one day but it took me the whole week and it's Sunday and about five pm. Thank you to all that knew about what happened Samson before this post and your phone calls, very much appreciated. And I love you.



A slideshow of pictures of Samson, he was the bravest and had extraordinary personality while keeping everyone on their toes. He was loved.






 

Little Hot air Update



Just wanted to say Hi and hope you all had a fun, safe Fourth of July. I had a exciting fourth of July including the earthquake in California that occured after I got home from photographing all morning long. In the same day I witness a wonderful sunset and after the firework show there was another beautiful moment in the sky , that I think no one noticed besides myself, I think. I ran for the nearest camera on hand in the dark before it disappeared on me , behind the mountains. I have tons of photographs of the Hot air Balloons in the last two days. And two more days to go with the Big Balloons in the sky, plus I will be going up in one too! I honestly can't wait for it Tomorrow morning, I maybe an adult but the heart of a child when it comes to trying something new that pushes my limits. I have been told that once I am in the sky, I won't want to come down and that I would would want my own Hot Air Balloon myself. We shall see what happens in that matter. More Photos and videos to come from this week , I can't to start editing and building a new series.



 

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