Wish I could hit Pause

Cassie. Sarkisian
Sep 15, 2019
8 min read

I wish I could go back time and fix things, stop things. Press pause if I could.

I am writing this on a Sunday night September 8th.

Things change in seconds, in minutes, in hours. Its life ,I learned. I try not to have regrets, have any arguments with anyone. When life changes unexpectedly in hours; life is put into perspective quickly and everything in life goes away that seems big, shrink to absolutely nothing. Standing in cold shower is easier than moving, thinking or even talking. Going to bed thinking my little celebration of things happening in my life. Then finding out in the morning, things are completely different over night, Samson is completely different dog. Not the Sam, that anyone knows. Things happen throughout the day and now at night it's a waiting game to see what to do in the morning. In times like this ,I think about life and lives gone in my life.The ones gone too soon, the ones who lost battles and the who slip in between fingertips. I go through names by the years, I linger on the names that remind me of Sam's willpower. That had battled cancer and fought one, twice and three times then lost. Sams battle started last month and ended this month. From last Friday with good news about his results to what happened now.

Since writing this last, Sunday through Monday things have drastically changed in life. It's a Tuesday morning in another doctor office, alone in a empty room that I process my world again. Losing another family member that was close to my heart for six years.I loved him before he existed in life. I still smell like him in my clothes and in my car from friday. Samson was a special family member that had his big moments barking at the delivery guys, chased off any wildlife to protect and loved playing in water, chasing light and Play with Jolly toys. And of course his big bed by the fireplace, always watching people's movements from there was probably his favorite spot besides the pond out back where he chased the squirrels up the pine tree everyday. I can't forget his bumble bee toy that he would squeak non-stop and throw it in the air if he got it out the toy box when no one noticed. An irreplaceable best friend and big brother to Max.

Most people don't know Samson well like as, family knew him the best. He liked to pick and choose his friends and family; You could ask the countless workers that came by and some family members he never approved of fully. I will miss walking out and finding him by the door or in his bed underneath the fireplace with those golden eyes looking back at me, I have looked for him each morning and calling for his name thinking Max is Samson.

Being told this guy wouldn't last another day when it turns out he lasted a whole month! I don't think he knew he was sick , he was the one to alert the house to other dogs trying to ge into JJ'S pin at midnight. He proved everyone wrong in the process. He was and still is in my opinion the best fighter and always spoke his mind in ways .

Monday, September Ninth was his the last day with us and on the worst day , he made us laugh, cry and he was stronger than ever, he's big heart and strength truly showed in unbelievable ways. Some can say it was miracle or him tricking us but in a way it was Sam to point. I would like to share the beautiful moments before his passing than anything else. But there is something I must share first about that sunday morning. In Samson last days, he was starting to refuse to his meals and his meds. Sunday morning he seemed fine until seven, he wouldn't move from his place on the deck. I got him to drink some iced water but refused chicken and a piece of hot dog; something was wrong. Upon feeding Max, he gingerly moved to the dog house. I went back outside with him with a few towels and blankets , It was a cold and chilly that day. Giving him and cuddles was the only thing I could, I got up turned my back he had either a seizure or a stroke in a matter of minutes. He couldn't move from that point, he was paralyzed in his back legs. what I saw that sunday morning changed me forever and I knew then I had to let him go , no matter how much as I and as a family unit don't want to but it's the right thing to do. Made calls for family to come home as soon as possible and figure out a way to help Our Samson feel good. It took all of us to move him inside hours later, give him his meds, hoping they would work. Called an emergency line to help us ,waited for call back all day long,never received one. Something beautiful out of that particular day ,a Beautiful red tail hawk watched over Samson that day , wherever he was, circling above high in the blue sky. He wouldn't allow certain people to leave the room he was in, he would cry out and try to follow them the best he could. Knowing we couldn't put him the car and drive him two hours , would only cause him more stressed. Kissing him goodnight was a tough moment, processing this would be my last goodnight kiss to him as I rested my head on top of his.

That Monday morning he seemed have a different attitude and tried to move around a bit more. He was determined to get outside that day with or without any help. Waiting for the vet to contact us with a plan and to come with our only options. That day he started to walk , he walked himself with some guidance through the front door and straight through the backyard. He forced himself into the side garden under the big oak, holding him up , he peed all over my shoes. Let me just say it was warm at the time but it made me laugh and but a smile on my face. He would do that just to make me laugh during one of my toughest day. And yes,I did change my socks and shoes ,Quickly! Getting him comfortable in blankets with his favorite toys and a view of the garden seemed perfect regardless the possibility of letting him go . Him and Max shared an ice cream together,one last time that afternoon. Max knew something was going to happen , along with the wildlife around. The outside world seems absolutely quiet that day, no other sounds than silence in the light breeze. And only that red tail circling once again up above watching us taking care of Samson. Upon the arrival of the vet, she determined that he had nerve damage from that moment on sunday. And since we doubled his dosage and that did nothing for him , our only option was to release him from any pain he was in.

At this point , I would like to thank my momma because I don't think either one of us could of done this day without each other. We shared more tears with each other watching our sam. But I think he loved her the most out of anyone , he was her shadow to the very end. I had to take a break from writing at this point.

Hearing the words that I knew were said to us , ran true in my heart that made my heart sink a little further into my body. I knew it was right thing to do, letting him go but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to snap my fingers and go back in time for him.Laying him down around his favorite toys and each one of on either side of him. Holding on to him, with our tears rolling down are our faces. Giving him our last kiss and our love, and our apologies. We told him, he could stop fighting, he fought his fight and we will be okay. As we held hands , rubbing his ears and face softly. I can still imagine that moment as in my head everytime I see that spot where he laid for the last time. I am glad his last moments where with us and looking out at the flower bed where he would chase flies for hours.I rested my head on top of his , just like how he would greet me , when he saw me. Hearing his finally breaths and watched his heart beat slow down , it became real.

After he past, the world was silent and I felt numb in my soul. I can't tell you how I was even walking after that. We wrapped him up is comfy blanket with is toys. We laid him to rest in the only spot that felt right for him. In the one spot that has always his , in the pond under the big oak tree. With his favorite bed around him , and one more goodbye later. It was the hardest day for me but I know if I wasn't with him until the end, I would never forgive myself. He has always been through my hardests moments, to hold on to or cry into his shoulder. Once his place was done, max laid on top of him with a toy. Broke my heart that he lost his friend to even when they didn't along at times. Max misses his best friend to fight over toys with and roll a ball in between them. And chase after the deers and the squirrels every morning together. Every morning and night since that monday he goes to say hi to and goodnight to Samson. The first few days in the morning while I sat with him, he rolled the Jolly ball that used to fight over to Samson's spot. I would sit and watch the moment with no words.

Throughout the week, every morning I go say good morning to Samson first before I feed Max. I also noticed myself , feel how much is energy filled the home. I miss the barking at the door at from deliverlies. Arrive home to see his face in the window , excited that someone is home. I miss the sound of the scratching at the door to be let out. I still haven't brought myself to clean up the front window from his slobber from the week before. I miss his barking at mocha meowing for attention. I miss hearing his footsteps following behind me if I am going to into another room.Go through photos and videos of him were hard at first but finding the ones where that made laugh , almost felt like it was happening in my reality again. For example him jumping the pool for the tennis balls. Or the time He was completely covered in mud and ran through the house, That was mess. one of the things I miss seeing the most, is his grabbing my shoe from the corner and throwing in the sky because he was so excited about something. P.s He would never give the shoe back or put it back but then take the other half instead. He was a very active German shepherd and he always deserve the best. Placing him under the oak tree in the pond was fitting to his story and his personality and I can't imagine anything else for him to be . He is close to home and in his happy place.

Honestly I thought I could write this in one day but it took me the whole week and it's Sunday and about five pm. Thank you to all that knew about what happened Samson before this post and your phone calls, very much appreciated. And I love you.

A slideshow of pictures of Samson, he was the bravest and had extraordinary personality while keeping everyone on their toes. He was loved.