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Feeling lost without Mocha



It's been a few days since my Little mocha has been gone. I catch myself looking for her in the places where she used sleep in her days. That alone sounds weird in itself. I am writing this in my favorite chair that she took over because of the blanket. I have sat here and thought about her, her life and standout moments that I will always remember. I can say I don't I will ever own other kitty after her because she was special one and I can't see myself letting another kitty in my bed. Like what my best friend said the other day when she heard about Mocha, " Mastermind mocha ". And she definitely lived up to that name to her very last moments.



I have been sitting here with my phone in my hand the last two hours trying to figure out what to say. So I am going to say lots of things that might not exactly make sense altogether. I  made the decision unwilling to let Mocha go. She lived almost Sixteen years exactly,  born April 3rd, 2004 and her final day was April 15,2020. On her last day, she let me put her in her carrier with no problem for the first time in her life but we both cried all the way to town and I had my right hand petting her through the carrier as I drove the slowest I could. Let me quickly  say before I  forget I like to thank  Jonathan from Tehachapi valley vet hospital that help me ,help her after waiting in the full parking lot of pet owners. And I like to think it was her last and final sign to me because I  was thinking about a person with the same name that day before I made that decision sitting in that full parking lot. And he told me she was the sweetest kitty when he took her back and she's not one to like strangers at all which also shocked me to and didn't fight when she heard the razor which also shocked me . When it came to her final moment, I held her in my arms tight in my car and she was looking up at the sky , she was gone in thirty seconds. I knew I had the right call even if it killed me and doing it alone. And he took off her collar when I couldn't do it myself, holding her in my arms in their kitty blanket. I was a complete mess after that, I asked if he could cut a piece of her fur so I could take it home with me. When he took her away from me for the final time, I sat in my passenger seat crying my eyes out for I don't know how long. And when I could move, I stood up on the payment, leaned on to the car door until I could breathe and take a step through what seem a rainstorm of unless tears and I couldn't believe she was gone and she wasn't coming home with me either. And when I stop at a red light and no one was around, I looked into that passenger seat hoping she would just reappear and meow at me.

Coming home after everything else I had that day, I looked around my space and saw her everywhere and every moment we had together as I cleaned up my room.

Mocha was my longest relationship ever and it will be one I hold tight to by heart always. Over the last few days,I  have been looking for her in her favorite spots without even thinking or knowing I am doing it until a few moments later. I listen to my morning alarm and wait, wait for her to jump on my chest until I get out of bed but nothing happens. She would want me up so she could lay in my body heat before I made the bed after my cup of coffee. She lived well, she survived lots of things like being caught twice by two German shepherds,(King ) and (Gracie) side note the only reason they let her go because she peed on them in their mouth. She survived a week out in wilderness without getting attacked by anything when I first moved to the countryside . She found three rattlesnakes outside my bedroom window to warn me through out the summers she lived by the window seals . She's been my heated blanket before there were heated blanket made and then I had to convince her to let me have some of the heated blanket throughout the years.



Mocha was my favorite study partner when I went to school; she would seat on my back, my butt and head when I would lay on the floor for hours to distract me from my tasks.  She once brought a headless bird to me in the house and to this very day ,no sign of head in sight... Let all hope she left it outside. My mocha has been through everything with me since the age of ten, through heartbreaks, broken bones, surgeries and the occasional sneak out also the numerous colds. I also remember the time she took out the little christmas tree set we had with her whole body trying to get the dangling ornaments. What I miss the most is hearing her little paws running up and down the hallway tile in the midnight hour because she's fully wake from her full day of naps. I  miss seeing her little paw under the bathroom doors, telling me to let her in or she will open it and let me tell you she opened the door every single time regardless if I was in the bathtub or not. Today I  made my bed with new sheets and it took me just ten minutes to make it but I missed the moment where she would roll all over the bed with the new warm sheets and not let me make it until I caught her first probably in her mind it was my cardio for disturbing here from her nap.

I feel out of place without her and I will probably be for a very long time with her being gone. Reflecting over the last few days and reflecting all of our years together. I can say through all her masterminding moments that we both really understood each other fully and she was my other half but in kitty form. I miss those head nudges for cuddles and kisses the most all. My Favorite little Mocha in the world.

 

Another adventure in the wilderness

Another trip out to the mountains, Eastern Sierra ; the place call my second home. This trip was a interesting one, I can easily say that. Two days with three cameras ,I got lots of pictures. This trip was originally supposed to be three days but life changed that but I am blessed to have the time I had, was amazing. Maverick had a bee sting him and the power went out at my home from the high winds but in the end everything worked out to be a happy ending.

Back to the trip, waking up at three am on a weekday was so worth it, in so many aspects. Yes , I did get my coffee at three am and drove five hours. So many sights that I have seen my whole life and also locations, I have never been before,surprising. At least on this trip no one lost their phone this time. But I did do the number one thing as photographer that would make any photographer cry. I dropped one of camera's in dirt ,at least it didn't land on the rocks and I didn't need emergency surgery on it either, I got LUCKY. I picked it up and said a little a prayer and it come to life. I main aim of this trip was to get more fall colors captured and chase down as many waterfalls , I could get to. I captured almost all of them on my list besides one, I couldn't to it, that's for another trip all by itself. I do have to say , I found one waterfall that I didn't expect to find on my last day , on a early morning at the twin lakes. I couldn't believe it , I never spotted it before this trip. I turned into a little girl in a candy shop quickly as I jumped out of the pick up truck faster than I ran into any coffee shop.

Speaking of coffee, Sidenote if you have never been to the black velvet coffee shop before worth every penny and then some in Mammoth.Let me tell you, everytime I am in Mammoth; I get myself a Peppermint mocha and I am one happy camper. Besides going to Mammoth, I went to Saddlebag, Lee Vining, June Loop; Convict Lake, Bishop and Mt Whitney area. Along the way in almost every location, I found a little spot or two that I never been before. Sometimes I think each time I am on the Eastern Sierra ,It keeps growing and new places appear that, I have never been to before.

I love the aspect of traveling up and down curvy roads that lead to places that I have been before. I love that giddy smile and laugh seeing something that makes you completely relax that's not the internet or social media related but what's in front of the windows of the soul that makes life unbelieve to experience. I hiked so many paths in those days and saw butterflies , flying besides me and hearing the running creeks in the area and the clean air to breathe in. I did have a few sketchy little hikes that turned into crawling on rocks and griping edges . I can easily say another successful trip without a hiking injury.

I think one of the coolest things about this trip was being the one to show someone else places where they have never been before that made my heart happy to share that with that person. And watching their eyes see something for the first time made me feel like, I was seeing those spots for the first time to. Two locations for me where perfect to photograph was Convict lake and the two waterfalls in Lee Vining . I just happened to have the right timing and lighting to get the exact shots, I wanted that made happy.

Another interesting moment was watching a hatchery truck drive past then immediately jumping in the truck to find where his next location was. I haven't done that since I was a little girl , it felt like a mission to find the truck when he had about ten minutes ahead of us. After go through a few other spots and no truck in sight , we saw him coming out of the next campsite. Being excited to not only find some gorgeous but wouldn't you believe it, I found another waterfall , I HAVE Never seen before in my whole life. I almost cried right on the spot but there was few people coming up the spot and they would have been confused seeing a photographer crying and photographing at the same time ,especially since no one was getting married at that present moment . That's how much I love nature and how much joy and beauty it brings to life; It was all here before us and will be here after us.

One of the scariest moments were one road locations and a creek on one side and cliff on the other. It's definitely a challenge to drive when people haven't driven it before. A few times on certain points , I held my breath in and hoped the other driver knew how to drive ,safely. And probably wasn't the smartest decision to have a lifted truck at the same time. Upon arrival to the inn and parking in the garage wasn't the easiest to navigate through when there were poles everywhere and ceiling was about a few inches away from the roof. But lesson learned and nevertheless an interesting experience.

After rushing home that next day, getting cases of water, finding a generator a few towns away and gas can, plus dinner which was grilled chicken ; wouldn't you believe it the power finally came on; it was a miracle of luck . That was the ending of my trip. Those two days , were perfect, perfect weather minus the thoughts of what could be happening at home ,running through my mind.

I have so much content to share, from this trip, I don't even know where to beginning with. And I do have some awesome gopro footage but I didn't bring my drone this time, sadly.

 

Wish I could hit Pause 

I wish I could go back time and fix things, stop things. Press pause if I could.

I am writing this on a Sunday night September 8th.

Things change in seconds, in minutes, in hours. Its life ,I learned. I try not to have regrets, have any arguments with anyone. When life changes unexpectedly in hours; life is put into perspective quickly and everything in life goes away that seems big, shrink to absolutely nothing. Standing in cold shower is easier than moving, thinking or even talking. Going to bed thinking my little celebration of things happening in my life. Then finding out in the morning, things are completely different over night, Samson is completely different dog. Not the Sam, that anyone knows. Things happen throughout the day and now at night it's a waiting game to see what to do in the morning. In times like this ,I think about life and lives gone in my life.The ones gone too soon, the ones who lost battles and the who slip in between fingertips. I go through names by the years, I linger on the names that remind me of Sam's willpower. That had battled cancer and fought one, twice and three times then lost. Sams battle started last month and ended this month. From last Friday with good news about his results to what happened now.



Since writing this last, Sunday through Monday things have drastically changed in life. It's a Tuesday morning in another doctor office, alone in a empty room that I process my world again. Losing another family member that was close to my heart for six years.I loved him before he existed in life. I still smell like him in my clothes and in my car from friday. Samson was a special family member that had his big moments barking at the delivery guys, chased off any wildlife to protect and loved playing in water, chasing light and Play with Jolly toys. And of course his big bed by the fireplace, always watching people's movements from there was probably his favorite spot besides the pond out back where he chased the squirrels up the pine tree everyday. I can't forget his bumble bee toy that he would squeak non-stop and throw it in the air if he got it out the toy box when no one noticed. An irreplaceable best friend and big brother to Max.

Most people don't know Samson well like as, family knew him the best. He liked to pick and choose his friends and family; You could ask the countless workers that came by and some family members he never approved of fully. I will miss walking out and finding him by the door or in his bed underneath the fireplace with those golden eyes looking back at me, I have looked for him each morning and calling for his name thinking Max is Samson.

Being told this guy wouldn't last another day when it turns out he lasted a whole month! I don't think he knew he was sick , he was the one to alert the house to other dogs trying to ge into JJ'S pin at midnight. He proved everyone wrong in the process. He was and still is in my opinion the best fighter and always spoke his mind in ways .

Monday, September Ninth was his the last day with us and on the worst day , he made us laugh, cry and he was stronger than ever, he's big heart and strength truly showed in unbelievable ways. Some can say it was miracle or him tricking us but in a way it was Sam to point. I would like to share the beautiful moments before his passing than anything else. But there is something I must share first about that sunday morning. In Samson last days, he was starting to refuse to his meals and his meds. Sunday morning he seemed fine until seven, he wouldn't move from his place on the deck. I got him to drink some iced water but refused chicken and a piece of hot dog; something was wrong. Upon feeding Max, he gingerly moved to the dog house. I went back outside with him with a few towels and blankets , It was a cold and chilly that day. Giving him and cuddles was the only thing I could, I got up turned my back he had either a seizure or a stroke in a matter of minutes. He couldn't move from that point, he was paralyzed in his back legs. what I saw that sunday morning changed me forever and I knew then I had to let him go , no matter how much as I and as a family unit don't want to but it's the right thing to do. Made calls for family to come home as soon as possible and figure out a way to help Our Samson feel good. It took all of us to move him inside hours later, give him his meds, hoping they would work. Called an emergency line to help us ,waited for call back all day long,never received one. Something beautiful out of that particular day ,a Beautiful red tail hawk watched over Samson that day , wherever he was, circling above high in the blue sky. He wouldn't allow certain people to leave the room he was in, he would cry out and try to follow them the best he could. Knowing we couldn't put him the car and drive him two hours , would only cause him more stressed. Kissing him goodnight was a tough moment, processing this would be my last goodnight kiss to him as I rested my head on top of his.

That Monday morning he seemed have a different attitude and tried to move around a bit more. He was determined to get outside that day with or without any help. Waiting for the vet to contact us with a plan and to come with our only options. That day he started to walk , he walked himself with some guidance through the front door and straight through the backyard. He forced himself into the side garden under the big oak, holding him up , he peed all over my shoes. Let me just say it was warm at the time but it made me laugh and but a smile on my face. He would do that just to make me laugh during one of my toughest day. And yes,I did change my socks and shoes ,Quickly! Getting him comfortable in blankets with his favorite toys and a view of the garden seemed perfect regardless the possibility of letting him go . Him and Max shared an ice cream together,one last time that afternoon. Max knew something was going to happen , along with the wildlife around. The outside world seems absolutely quiet that day, no other sounds than silence in the light breeze. And only that red tail circling once again up above watching us taking care of Samson. Upon the arrival of the vet, she determined that he had nerve damage from that moment on sunday. And since we doubled his dosage and that did nothing for him , our only option was to release him from any pain he was in.

At this point , I would like to thank my momma because I don't think either one of us could of done this day without each other. We shared more tears with each other watching our sam. But I think he loved her the most out of anyone , he was her shadow to the very end. I had to take a break from writing at this point.

Hearing the words that I knew were said to us , ran true in my heart that made my heart sink a little further into my body. I knew it was right thing to do, letting him go but I didn't want to do it. I wanted to snap my fingers and go back in time for him.Laying him down around his favorite toys and each one of on either side of him. Holding on to him, with our tears rolling down are our faces. Giving him our last kiss and our love, and our apologies. We told him, he could stop fighting, he fought his fight and we will be okay. As we held hands , rubbing his ears and face softly. I can still imagine that moment as in my head everytime I see that spot where he laid for the last time. I am glad his last moments where with us and looking out at the flower bed where he would chase flies for hours.I rested my head on top of his , just like how he would greet me , when he saw me. Hearing his finally breaths and watched his heart beat slow down , it became real.


After he past, the world was silent and I felt numb in my soul. I can't tell you how I was even walking after that. We wrapped him up is comfy blanket with is toys. We laid him to rest in the only spot that felt right for him. In the one spot that has always his , in the pond under the big oak tree. With his favorite bed around him , and one more goodbye later. It was the hardest day for me but I know if I wasn't with him until the end, I would never forgive myself. He has always been through my hardests moments, to hold on to or cry into his shoulder. Once his place was done, max laid on top of him with a toy. Broke my heart that he lost his friend to even when they didn't along at times. Max misses his best friend to fight over toys with and roll a ball in between them. And chase after the deers and the squirrels every morning together. Every morning and night since that monday he goes to say hi to and goodnight to Samson. The first few days in the morning while I sat with him, he rolled the Jolly ball that used to fight over to Samson's spot. I would sit and watch the moment with no words.



Running in the snow

Throughout the week, every morning I go say good morning to Samson first before I feed Max. I also noticed myself , feel how much is energy filled the home. I miss the barking at the door at from deliverlies. Arrive home to see his face in the window , excited that someone is home. I miss the sound of the scratching at the door to be let out. I still haven't brought myself to clean up the front window from his slobber from the week before. I miss his barking at mocha meowing for attention. I miss hearing his footsteps following behind me if I am going to into another room.Go through photos and videos of him were hard at first but finding the ones where that made laugh , almost felt like it was happening in my reality again. For example him jumping the pool for the tennis balls. Or the time He was completely covered in mud and ran through the house, That was mess. one of the things I miss seeing the most, is his grabbing my shoe from the corner and throwing in the sky because he was so excited about something. P.s He would never give the shoe back or put it back but then take the other half instead. He was a very active German shepherd and he always deserve the best. Placing him under the oak tree in the pond was fitting to his story and his personality and I can't imagine anything else for him to be . He is close to home and in his happy place.

Honestly I thought I could write this in one day but it took me the whole week and it's Sunday and about five pm. Thank you to all that knew about what happened Samson before this post and your phone calls, very much appreciated. And I love you.



A slideshow of pictures of Samson, he was the bravest and had extraordinary personality while keeping everyone on their toes. He was loved.






 

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