Dear Marie : Life without your presence

Disclaimer: This took me a few days to write and let it sit for awhile in my own world. And debated if I should share this and let people into another chapter of my personal life. Dear Marie is about my Nene, my bestfriend and I miss her every second of everyday and I wish my phone would ring and she would be on the other end of that call. If this moves you to tears, I am sorry in advance and know that's never my intent to bring anyone to tears.

In the last few weeks, I have been restless and feeling out of placed in world. I find myself staring into my white ceiling of space till two am just thinking away about life in general, the little things to the big things in life. My television on with one of favorite drama shows fading in the background and yet I wasn't there even watching it. I spent those restless night writing away every I want to say down on paper or keying away and yet nothing seem tangible to put down in physically. They seemed trapped in my own mind and my heart like permanent tattoos of unsaid moments.

And in this moment currently the exact words still escape me. Please forgive me if this all seems backwards and I might repeat myself. Where to start is an understatement of the century.

Today is the day after anniversary of my Nene's passing. And it still feels like it happened yesterday not a year ago in reality. Walking into the same church ,I sat next to her for so many weddings is the moment that feels unbearable for her one year year anniversary . Picturing her next to be on my left, dressed up nicely, her hair done and hearing about her shoes already make her feet sore then handing me her purple iPad with these words, " You make video put on bookface". Yes, I did; if you were wondering if I recorded the video for her. Yes, I was the one in the back left pew recording a wedding as subtle as one could after the loud beep of the recording button being pushed.

In a reality standing in the same church that everyone I know has gotten married in, baptized in; took me back to another time, another life. In the crowed Armenian church of 2021, the smell of burning candles behind me floating in the air above; I closed my eyes and floated away to a time when I was a little girl. I don't remember why were at the church for in the first place but I remember, her being in a simple black dress wearing pearls on her neck and I was in a white and yellow outfit possibly a poke dot style but don't quote me on the style part. I remember her teaching me how to light the candle in my little hand properly and taught me the proper way make the Sign of the Cross in Armenian. Feeling of her right hand on my hand to show me facing the lighten candles, I felt that same moment all over again the same church Twenty- Seven years later on white oak over mine. The warmth of her soft hand touching my little hand then and when I placed the candle for her without her to hand guide me now. The smell of her perfume she used to wear everyday ,I caught a whiff of it over the smell candles opening my eyes as I let my prayer go unspeakable moment that I kept to myself.

Watching the room of full of families that I know and those I don't around that crowed church, listening to priest and choir singing; I was reliving moments from all those years ago and wishing she was here in the same pew where we sat together a few years ago. Looking at that pew from where I stood, I wish she could see the little babies that were just born in the family, I know that would make her smile and at the same time question me why I haven't given her a great -grandchild. Then getting into the same , "Nene lecture" of marriage and children came to my head, " You need one husband and make babies. You are my daughter, you need kid not puppies. But No Money ,No Hunny." And that's the short version and straight to her point. Then my response back , "Took much work, I haven't found one, no one wants me." Then her last response would be , "No worry, I will find one for you and one for me". Standing in that church with a mask on , I am smiling there just listening to her and trying not to cry.

When it came to reading of the names of those her passed on, hearing her name didn't seem real to hear and yet I still think she would just appear from the crowd and say, "No". After her name was spoken then the names of kin came next. When I heard my own name spoken by the priest in a English accent ,he said Casey not Cassie. Making eye contact with some family members all I could do is try not to laugh out loud in such silence because I am thinking about another memory that came to mind. I was thinking about the times when she would write in my birthday cards, Christmas cards each year, sometimes it was to Casey not me exactly but close. Looking back at those times, I never correct her on that either it's what made her special. And maybe that was her funny sign to me without anyone noticing why it was funny to me at least.

Visiting her that day after church, I could feel her presence but not actually touching her with the light breeze flowing. Placing the flowers for her and my Dede seemed to be a dream still not reality. But our family circle around them felt too real for it to be a dream. Standing there holding hands, I can hear voice around me, remembering all the conversation we had together. The voicemails she left on my phone that I still have. The smell of the incense floating in the wind, all of us with our head down saying our thoughts to both of them after prayer. Leaving never seems real, never seems right either as time feels thin each time. As much time I spent with her, with them and the memories I have on my heart, in photographs still feel as if it wasn't enough time either.

Went to a brunch with family around felt like she was the missing piece even if it was for her. Sitting with family I haven't seen in while, just being with them felt like all those all parties, family gatherings with her and I felt like I was waiting for my Nene to seat next to me holding my hand.

Just being in the moment with aunties and uncles talking about her was the most precious thing. Taking about the few things I figured out her recipes without any of her recipes on hand like she has said all my life, "You taste and you know to put more or no more". Finding out Mujadarah is the hardest one to get down, After our second attempt we figure it out. One of the most beautiful thing was hear Nora talking about her, saying how they would have coffee all the time together each week. And growing up I can remember all the wiser ladies and men would gather together and have a mid afternoon coffee each week. When I heard those words I remembered those exact words being spoken by my Nene which I found beautiful.

Looking around the group that joined I see them not as who have aged to but who they all were to another lifetime ago. I can picture my Nene asking someone to help her get something from her car. Knowing full well she was suppose to bring one thing to the party and the back seat was full of platters as if she was cooking for hundreds of people or an army, Cheese borrege, Sarma, Dolma and cookies in-between the other trays. Then head to the kitchen with the platters where all the other ladies are making food for a party. I can see cousins running around playing with each other and now they are adults now. I see my grandfather with his nephews each one of them having a small coffee ,talking and maybe having a cigarette as well after the meal. Also they all share a cheeky grin with each other, I was always wondered if they were up to something but then again they were always smiling. And the younger version of uncles with father around the older gentlemen to but joking around and playing basketball at the same time. Then the ladies would seat down for a minute or two and share a cup of coffee as well, chatting life while holding little ones well. That's what I see another life in another time and yet in the present time too. I can smile about those memories and the memories forming currently.

Dear Marie, I wish you were here right now, in the kitchen the smell of your cooking floating our house. I wish you could tell me how to make all the recipes all over again. I wish I could see you walking in those rose pink slippers in the kitchen. I wish you tell me that we need a vacation to Las Vegas and party the night away. I wish you can tell me that I need to give you great-grand kids. I wish you would call me to explain my father's bookface post of the day to you. I wish I could be watching Big fat Greek Wedding for the one hundredth of time cuddling in bed. I wish I could hear you and Dede's love story one more time. I wish you were braiding my wet curly hair one more time and hear that lullable that you would sing each grand child to sleep. I wish you would be at my wedding, seeing grandbabies and to every special moment in my life. I wish the most to hear the words, " I won't worry and no never."

So, " Nene Don't worry , Don't forget me. Love you."

The unexpected part of life is time. Time can be pulled from us any second and I think sometimes we don't even realize it's happening at the same time of our presence. And if the past year has taught us Time can't be slowed down, even if we tired to make it slow down ,we can't. That we should do everything we desire to in this life, spend time with all of those in our hearts. Let things go, Fix things physically, emotionally with everyone that means the most to them. And Say things you want to say with your heart and soul because one day those words can never be spoken to those who needs to hear them. Never let time get ahead of you.

Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it and I didn't bring anyone to tears. That wasn't my aim to but to share what's on my heart and a reminder that time can't be paused and make things count in life. And if you read my original post last year, I thank you. And if you haven't read it before, please do; I have it link down below. I think looking back at all of my other work as a whole I ever written in life her piece is one that can't be repeated by my hand or out written by anything else I write from now on, ( In my opinion at least ) and I put every fiber of my being into those words. I Just hope I did her justice as she showed love to everyone she knew or came by. And her presence is missed but I know she around in her own way.

My love always,

Little Cassie

If I was gone today

Author's Note : I started this piece back in January of 2020, I was in a different head space and had a emotional roller coaster ride of what I was going through myself for a few months and I wasn't me in those days. And If I am honest about it the thoughts still running through my mind off and on. But so on I continued writing this in March of 2020 and under these circumstances of life now and the world is going through so much including being quarantined or locked down in some places. I thought this message is very important to share than ever in times like this and I hope I get this message across to you; where it makes sense and makes you think about this life in a different way.

The Beginning

"Will you miss me? Did I love you hard enough? Did I bring anything to the table of life that's worthy? Did I achieve things of value? Did I do enough in achievement in my life? What did I do to get this?" All the questions and thoughts she scribbled down from the last three months in her grey sweater, in left pocket waiting to be answered and ruled out. Reflecting her true thoughts of where she is right now where not one soul knows her and no one to treat her as glass for a moment. Giving it one last chance,she let it all out for no one to hear besides the wind around her.

Those are the questions and thoughts that go through my mind through times like this and I hope you can help me. Please help me understand what is happening to my body and why I can't stop being sad everyday. As I am sitting here on what feels like ledge of the world, thinking about this thing called life while listening to the wind. Reflecting on my small world around me and the big world surrounding the rooftop of a city I never been before. In the place where I thought I would always end up in and where I would always settled down eventually. The beauty of the life happening down below, kids playing in the park few streets away, people walking to and from the little shops around the hotel complex. The faint scent of the salt sea in the air on the edge of the town, hitting my face still from there.

Standing on this rooftop what seems like forever on this Friday evening,staring at the sun setting over the mountain ridge in this urban city to me, feeling trapped in my thoughts than enjoying the exciting city . I have been waiting on my results to coming in what seems like a year but in reality, I have been waiting to know for seventy- five days. I decided to escape from my life back home and waiting for the one phone call to come through that could change my life either way. I spent those seventy-five days, crying silently in the night wrapped up in the white duvet that didn't feel like my bed anymore. I layed in bed in the twilight hours if I would be missed if I was gone. I would wonder if I loved hard enough for everyone in life, if I hugged them enough if I said I love you enough. Praying each night on the carpet floor before I crawl back into the empty bed and attempt to fall asleep for all of it to just go away on its own.

I pray for those around me to be happy, healthy and for those who aren't around; that they are loved, they are healthy and happy in their successes. And I realized on those nights I am truly alone, no one to hear me cry, no one to hug me , no one to escape with, no one to hear what thoughts are in running around my mind everyday since the beginning as if I have died already in my soul. And yet, I am standing here alone hugging myself and taking a breath out, "I have faith that it will all work out in the end for the better".

I look at my life before this me in another perspective than through my eyes that led myself staring into a blur and my own soul jumping out of my body. Seeing all things I have gone through emotionally and physically before now. Yes, they all taught me lessons and made stronger on the other side of it all. I still think I haven't accomplished anything that matters to the world or to myself and that scares me more than anything. And discovering my voice in the world has disappeared is another thing that I found is slipping through my own grasp, every single day since December. If my voice disappeared then I have already. I thought that there's no value in all the years, I lived so far to create the substance of a full life had. Through every knock down in this life, I got up and started again but I haven't challenged myself to my full ability in my own potential yet.

About living up to my full potential was what this year was about for me, solely expanding on all levels before anything happened in my world. But what life would have in store for me this year is a curve-ball and a ball that I didn't expect to happen, either. Coming from being healthy and happy one day to constantly feeling not myself in different levels each day. First finding a lump in a place where there wasn't one before then a start of another forming two months later on the opposite side. For weeks, I stopped wanting nutriment for my body and the rumblings of hunger disappeared all together, eventually. And did the cravings with comfort food that Loved my whole life. Losing ten pounds without a notice in those days and I spent those days lost. I spent my nights under the covers with Fluffy blankets and went through piles of tissues. Then losing the my taste buds for days and a bump in my throat Started form. Months of Ear popping and cracking constantly when I thought it disappeared for a moment it would just appear a moment later,my own drum beat playing as I would eat, swallow throughout my days. Going to different doctors and they say," It will just pass and nothing is there to worry about." But I know Something is wrong with me because my body isn't healing, it's fighting a unknown battle and no one knows what it is besides myself , 'It something your body is fighting". In-between my own battles that I have kept under wraps, I lost people who, I thought I trusted and loved.And in my heart I thought they would never leave me even through pain but the way of the world , the universe shows you who will be there in the unknown and who will be the ones to just leave without a second thought. I discovered that hard lesson on this path and reaching out for some kind of connection,I left that behind to.

I learned to stop hurting my own mind and heart for my own sanity. Everyone said, "Don't worry about it ,stop thinking the worst". I think the worst to be prepared for the worst and to have a set plan in the works. Because the reality of how fragile life is and how fragile we are as humans when everything is out of our hands and control. And the factors of what happened with no explanation, wasn't helping with my struggle of thinking," That possibility I hit the end of my own robe without knowing what I am fighting and I have giving up on everything else. I don't even recognize the woman I have become in the mirror anymore".She said to the wind out loud ,hoping the energy around her would take her thoughts away for the last time.

She knew that moment either way if that phone call were to come through saying if it's cancer or not that it's time to go home and go back to life she walked away from. As she continues to wrap herself in her thoughts she seeing the faces that knew her struggle while being under the spotlight around her. As the sunset started to descant over the mountain tops at last, she heard her phone buzzed from the weathered bar top in the corner across the rooftop. Knowing it was time to hear one of results she was afraid of knowing the most. Picking up the Blue case Samsung Galaxy her hands start to shake uncontrollably and saying " This is She " in a shaking tone she had left. And the voice on the end said, " It's not Breast Cancer and all your tests came back normal as usual. You can breathe and stop worrying. What you are going through will pass in a few months and if doesn't we will cross that bridge together." All she could do it close her eyes and hold her tears back as much as possible, " Are you sure ?" Without knowing it , her body gave in to itself and resting on her shaking ankles and her tears came faster than any storm brewing in the sky. She whispered to the person on the other end , "How can this be ?". The only thing the person could say to comfort her from Six hours away, "Because you didn't give up on yourself even when you wanted to and you aren't the type to that when you are trying to". When that phone ended, she didn't move for a few moment but sat there and sobbed into her hands into as her one of prayers have been answered.

I will always remember this moment for my whole life she thought, looking back at the tail end of the sunset. She whispered, "Thank you for give me that piece of mind ". She reached into her pocket and tore up that letter full of questions she wrote in the smallest pieces of paper as she could. Letting the pieces float into the wind and watched the remaining pieces float down from at that cold rooftop to fifth level until she couldn't see them anymore. She dialed the only number she knew by heart and she knew that she never wanted to leave in the first place but she needed to, " I am coming home and I have good news to share for the first time in a long time, I have gotten a actual answer."

Heading Home

"Watching the Dusk hit the city around me and the faded strips of color disappear. I feel my heart take another deep sigh of relief for one last time, gripping my sweater tighter around me, thinking this all dream still forming than my new reality. Walking away from that rooftop was the hardest to do in that moment because it was that moment where all my baggage of bad thoughts and scenarios stayed."

Walking back into her room 777, grabbing her only piece of luggage her handbag from the closet. Then the breaking news came across the television screen that she muted moments before returning. She stop checking her bag and turned up the volume from the remote across the bed. In bold letters it said: "Breaking news the pandemic has reached to our shores ". But underneath that statement read: "Don't panic yet we aren't in a lock-down yet" . Staring at the news for a few short minutes, she calmly took a few breaths in then dialed the front desk from her phone. Getting through the desk manager she tells him ," I am checking out right now than in the morning and please cancel my next stay here that I booked in advance".

One hour later she's driving on I-95 with four hours left on the navigation and half tank of gas; she reflects about the things in her life between lane mergers and blinking tailgates.Seeing the packed cars full with families, couples young and old , hearing the same news for miles along the highway. She saw few people in cars, trucks full of supplies driving along the same direction being prepared for their families; even if that met for a few weeks supply or months of supplies. No one knows what to do, how to react to everything happening around was on every single face that night.She came to few conclusions about her life and how she could help uplift those around the world at the same time; Expressing herself and reminding everyone they aren't alone in this world.

When the Traffic started to thin out and away from the city life and an hour out from home; the small town she lives in.She pulled over on the side of the empty road in the middle of nowhere besides the road and one street light. She pulls her phone from the cup holder next to the now cold coffee from three cities ago. The phone sat cold into her hands, she looked out to the cold night; whispering to no one particular, "It's time to let things go , any ego , any grudges, any problems and fix anything that needs to healed". She pulled up every social media every blocked number, she had and unblocked and unmuted every single person in the phone that was her life. Because she knew in her heart that day, she knew it was something she needed to do. She was never the type of do that in first place for one and in the time where the world is in crisis, she rather give love, heal and be there for every single person out there regardless what happened in the past . This morning she was thinking there was more of chance of her dying from her biggest fear and no one knowing that either to thousands people dying of something that anyone can catch across oceans,borders and cities where she had friends in. She started to send text messages to few people that she left behind, just wanted to know if they and their family were safe and healthy.

" I know we don't talk anymore and it's my fault. I hope you and your family are safe, healthy. I have been thinking about you and I will be praying for you". And She sent out messages to family and friends if they needed anything before she arrived home. Closing her phone before continuing on the road, she feels that she did the right thing and somewhat calm into the new reality that the world is facing of the unknown.

It was a quarter to midnight and she finally reached her quiet little town and arrived to her empty street finally. Seeing each house have their cars parked in their driveways and some with their lights still on; fireplaces still running their last log of wood for the night. She has never seen her street full with everyone home besides the holiday seasons. Sneaking her way into her driveway and through the front door without waking up a full house of family; feeling relaxed she made it home and couldn't wait to see the faces she loved light up with some good news in the morning.

Heading into her room, that she ran away from; looked more inviting than it had looked in months before she left. Dropping her bag on the floor and fell backwards on the well made bed felt like heaven. Taking her phone out of her back pocket she saw, some replied to her message and some read them but said nothing at all. She felt relief to know that replied were safe,healthy and she can finally say, she was too. She fell asleep in her clothes from the day before, she woke up to hear footsteps, little paws walking around the house with a bit of laughter as well. A genuine smile forms across her lips and she runs down the hallway to see her whole family in one place and in her kitchen half wake smiles around with coffee cups freshly brewed. She finally says her news out loud for the first time, "It's not cancer and I will get better eventually within a few months. And if it doesn't I have you all right there and I love you all for letting me have space on my own for bit. Thank you for telling me over and over I would be okay in the end and when I didn't look well that you attempted to make me feel better ; usual I am the one taking care of everyone else. It does look like we will be stuck together for a bit longer anyway since it has been declared of A stay at home quarantined while staying six feet apart away from each other at all times in and outside of a home. I wouldn't have it another way since we are family and family stays together through the easy times and through the thunder storms". The smiling faces stared back at her and her small world started to feel a bit more normal in those short moments and breaking news came through the television screen again with more news reports of new cases again.

If I was gone today....

I realized I haven't lived yet nor have I left yet and I need to make a change to let everything go and let the walls disappear. Its okay to be scared and doesn't mean to live in fear of the unknown anymore. And I will live as I have loved , love life out-loud and continue to use my heart to lift everyone up. Chasing the good things and if anything goes wrong to laugh about it then sit and heartbroken about it.

Today

So here's the question, if you were gone today, tomorrow...Are you happy with things you left behind and how you handle things with people? Forget all you have accomplish in life right now and look into your heart and look where we are society right now. Are you thinking about people who haven't talked in awhile? Have you been reaching out more to your family and friends, like you should in moments like this? In today's circumstances life is at pause for a reason and it's a test, lesson for all of us for one reason or another. We all have dark times in our lives that could last for months, years; this moment we are all in the dark. But we need to be the ones to bring light back in for each-other even if that means from oceans part or from the street, let's all be each others teammate then watching the news full of the new cases and the innocents lives disappearing wishing we knew their story.

I hope this message gets across the right way to you. And no matter what journey each one of is going on one as individuals good or bad , there is always someone in your corner. A better tomorrow will be coming we just don't see it yet, I believe it is on horizon with answers and with cure. We will become better individuals, have stronger relationships and be more caring of strangers; take care of our local small business owners as well. I wish you and your families well and try to stay safe at home.

P.s Thank you for giving me your time and that's all I ever ask for.

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She made the First move.. He made the last

Prolong: Honestly, I didn’t want to finish this story or publish it but it has been on my heart to finish it. I had it finished in my head but the words just wouldn’t come on the paper the way I wanted from my heart. And this love story is about being at the distance with someone and trying to build with someone while making mistakes that can’t be taken back. This is where it all lead to, she did make the first move and he made the last move. I originally wrote a section of this story two years ago and it was titled “You made the last move “. I couldn’t finish it then and it was a struggle to find the words on paper for it all to make sense, taking weeks to think and rewrite it out and finally letting it been seen by the world is another story all together.

They met two years ago, she made the first move and they started admiring of each other work then becoming quick friends but feeling changed during that first year for her in their relationship. She made the first move April 6th, 2018 towards him impulsively and unexpectedly and she was glad she did since that moment. He stayed through the good times, the bad times but he left once before, he disappeared for two weeks. He knew then she would have jumped on a first flight to see him back then. This time around, she made him leave forever after her birthday and with her last words, " I have been taking to another". She confessed everything to him because she said she would always be honest with him. Right or wrong of her choices, she made them, she spoke her truth. She knew if she didn’t tell him right then and there, he will find out anyway from her own mouth later, she rather tell him while she’s hurting already then to relive it all over again. She gave him the option to leave, no questions asked since everything else in her life is destroyed already and he left that moment, out the door. She knew he will never return even if she didn’t make her mistake. And two months later she regrets it all but it had to happen then in the future. Days later, she’s sitting in the Porsche dealership waiting on her car to be finished being serviced for hours and they finally call her name finally. She walks over and looks over the paperwork and the charges, she notices his name appearing as the mechanic. She couldn’t believe the odds and the coincidences of his name showing up, taking her back for a moment; she signs her name underneath his. Walking out to the parking lot that day, she decided to check her messages and saw nothing but a song called, “What could’ve been” by Gone West playing on the stereo at the same moment.

On this Leap year afternoon, she sat and reminisce about their past and happy moments in her days after he left Jan 14th, 2020. She pulled out the note, she wrote when he left the first-time dated August 2018. As she read the written page allowed in her empty studio, she ran her fingertips over the title over a few times, "You made the last move". Closing her eyes, she titles her back for a brief moment and let it all sink of her repeated reality. Thinking of the first time he called her, made her heart jump and skipped a beat or two. she was nervous as a cat but he would never know that. When she saw he was calling while she was working at her office, butterflies instantly in her stomach and she didn’t know quite know what to say at first but letting him to take the lead. She remembers saying, “It’s about time you called”. And he replied, “You know I figured it was about time we talked on the phone since we have been texting a for a long time and I wanted to hear your voice”. She was impressed but he would never know that and she always wondered why he took so long to dial her number when it has been his hands for year, his best mate must have convinced him to finally hit the call button. She remembered smiling ear to ear that day and calling her sisters right after that phone call end but he would never know that either. As she’s daydreams away a little longer, she remembers seeing him in his red plaid shirt for the first time and thinking, “He’s an amazing talented man”.

Before this continues just know she’s done with it all, the game, the idea; everything. She misses him every day and yet she knows everything had to happen for a reason. She loved him since the day she said, “Hello handsome”. Took her months to stop crying through dawn each night and accepting it all and now she’s slowly removing him from her reality, her memories of him from her phone. She knew, the second she typed the last message to him before she hit sent, he was gone. He’s done and gone just like she predicted he would after he asked, “What else is going on for you to be more upset?” Someone that she thought was a good friend to her and treated her kindly was the type of person that wanted to break her heart and teach her a lesson that she needed to learn. She never blamed him because she would have done same when he left that moment, when she confessed what she did and what she’s going through.

She remembered the day; she wrote those first two paragraphs with the fly of her blue pen and now knowing why she could never finish that story as she tries to finish it now in the exact place where it all started 1,095 days ago and 5,271 miles apart with the same page in her hands. Wondering if she even should continue it as she watches a young couple meeting for the first time at the place, where she said she would want to meet him first across from her studio. The universe tells her not to finish it but it needs a proper ending to it; she thinks with a background to it than just a reason for them meeting and just ending. Or maybe she never wants them to end, even on paper because then it comes tangible and real in her own hands.

She knows, she broke his heart for the second time in her life and the idea of her in a single moment. She’s never broken a heart before. She’s always been the one getting her heart broken and what she did broke her into a million pieces. Days before he finally admitted he wanted something more, a chance to meet, a chance to touch, a chance to see each other within breathable distance. He asked her to meet in person on her next trip out of the city where she would be in the exact place few months later. She remembered being happy reading that messaging blinking across her screen unexpectedly on her birthday. All she ever wanted from, the start and she threw it all away with her confession a week later. She didn’t want their beginning to start knowing she betrayed him in the end. She wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eye knowing that and he deserved better than what she gave him in return. Because she kept asking for more in the past and he always said, “We are at distance and in two different places”. She decided too not to hold him to that dream of them as much as she had from there on. She enjoyed his company, his character, his banter each day and his good morning notes. Every day she expected him to say, he met someone else when things kept being the same between them; she never expected herself to be that person in a million years but she was. She knows who she is and during that time frame she walked away from her own logic and messed everything up for herself but she starts putting herself together slowly each day, alone. Working herself into every project she could to not think until she physically too tired to sleep.

A week later she leaves one last message to him, knowing he will never read it and never respond anyway. She knew she was going back on her word of talking to him again but his last word of “I don’t know what to say” wouldn’t leave her heart on her quiet days, no matter how much she tried to block those words out. On her trip to another city for the most important business meeting of the year, she allows herself to think about it in the LA traffic that lasted an hour longer than expected. She starts to type every single thought of him, she ever had and how sorry she is and she hopes he finds a great woman that unconditionally loves him with every fiber of her being. “I regret everything and I can’t believe I did this to you and I see who I am now and how you see through your eyes. Hope you find a woman that loves you and never hurts you like I did, you deserve an unconditional type of love and you are amazing man. And you create beautiful moments for people that leave people speechless”. Sitting in that back seat of a ford escape, she had a few tears, explaining her life falling part to a complete stranger and she said, “ I am going to act perfectly okay because I built my own bed and I have to lay in what I have done and that’s what I deserve.” Four days later she went to delete it and move on forever but he read it. She didn’t think she could move from her chair that moment even if there was earthquake around her studio and she said out loud, “He saw my words” tears slipped from her eyes that moment without her realizing she was in tears. It took her another day later to erase that paragraph because she said exactly what she wanted to say and there was no point letting it sit there for another moment torturing herself thinking he would response or question herself on why she said something in the first place.

Looking back at the two young lovers across the street and reminisced about their discussion of their first potential meeting “Date”. Right before she starts to remove the few photos, she kept of him, three weeks later, she started to stare into those chestnut colored eyes. She said in a wispier, “You said once you will never leave and you also never said if you ever wanted me in the first place. You would say gorgeous you worry too much and you always finding problems “. Looking at his photo for a little longer, she knows he probably has someone new else by now or had someone in-between. She has to accepted it all and there is a reason behind it all.

Coming back to her reality she smiles with her eyes and heart and looks back at that soprano mug photo and looked beyond the mug to his eyes. She sent their story out to the world without giving it another look over and she removed what’s left of him from her phone. And whispered, “We are two strangers again and I hope you are truly happy and get everything you desire in this life. And if you talk to me again or you don’t it was nice to know you” Folding the white lined paper back up and slides it back into the red and white striped enveloped and puts the envelope back into her black leather writer's bag. She gathers the rest of her belongings and heads over to the coffee shop across the windy street. And purchases two brownies and their next drinks on her, for that sweet couple forming in the corner booth as she wished that was her future. She heads out the door to the train station across the street with her one-way ticket to her next adventure. She knows love does exist; people make things work together does exist. And she knows, she won’t go seeking out for love in her phone anymore. One day love will find her and that love won’t be easy but it will be the right amount of perfect.

Epilogue: You made the last move – Original note

The Original note she wrote during the time he left the first time and she could never finish it then. He told her once he wanted to see it and she should finish it someday. She told him, “It hurt too much to finish it and I know why because it was about you”.

I risked my heart for you, thinking of when I shouldn’t have gotten attached to you; barley even knowing you. Months of getting to know you and one day you were gone. Disappeared without warning I cried over you, when I shouldn’t of; but it was bound to happen in my mind, there’s no way you could enjoy my company any longer. Things moved fast unexpectedly between us and I was falling for you without knowing it from the very beginning. You knew everything about my past and I still know little about you besides your family and that cutie that I grew to love. Messaging you a few days later to see if you were doing okay at least. And I didn’t hear a sound from you. In the beginning of your silence made me think more about my own thoughts of you. All I could was stare into my phone and wonder about you and cry too many tears than I would like to admit to anyone including myself. But I couldn’t bring myself to message you again, I must have been ghosted. I felt safe with you and that’s hard to even bring myself to admit that from all the other ones, they never made me feel safe as you did.

In quiet days, the tears became less but my mind still wondered during my work hours, “What I was to you?” in your mind. Getting lost in my wandering mind can lead to endless unanswered questions. “He is okay? Did I matter just a little bit? Or did I get used for the hundred time? Did I miss the signs, he gave?”

I miss those little messages blinking on my phone during a meeting would brighten my day without reading it. The day there was silence from you was the day I wanted more and move into a different direction with you. I had to let that go and I know that is the right move in my head. Two weeks go by then you reappeared, I didn’t know what to think or what to do believe or how to feel about either. Hearing you were fine was just enough for me. Come to find out in the end, you had a phone issue for two weeks straight.

You know where am I, that's where I will be and stay. And I will always wonder if you ever told anyone about me and if all of us were suppose never really begin. I know from the beginning where I stood about you and I know the ending it all is all on me, not on you. You know where to find me, even with a parachute, checkmate.

Author Note : I hope you enjoyed this piece and I can't wait to hear your feedback.

The next piece is called , "If I was gone today " and will be coming out soon

Love, misread

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