- Cassie. Sarkisian
- Feb 14, 2020
- 9 min read
Author Note :I wrote this piece for Me and a reminder for the girl that I often forget is still me no matter what age I am. Who she is and is still Me and that's the end of the story. Take it or leave it Who she is a piece close to my heart and why it was so hard to write because it's about pulling back the curtain of the woman everyone else sees and assumes who she is. So, ladies out there No matter how strong we are, we still have a girl’s heart that lives through us. And a great love is out there for you unconditionally.
Arriving a little after nine am in her warm blue cardigan sweater with a white tank, jean shorts and white sandals, nothing else besides cash in right jean pocket. With her schedule free empty day, she orders her white Lavender Mocha and picks the corner window facing the sea and the pier side on this warm Friday. Staring out the window of the Oak coffee shop by the beach shore like she always does once a year to let her thoughts linger away without anything besides a cup of coffee or two in hand. In this coffee shop where no one knows her and she doesn't know anyone either but just an ordinary girl in the world. On this day there happen to be a " Love in the air" festival filled with couple theme activities, booths and races. She took a few sips of coffee as she watched everything happening on the beach shore, she ended up drifting away sitting in the pearl white stool. Thinking about her dreams and sweet longing of her thoughts just as the announcement of the opening of the festival with heart shaped balloons float in the air.
She lets her mind float away as the sea tides goes in and out. She wonders about love for her in all aspects and it leads her to the past and dreams she has.
She wants to be close with someone physically, take a long walk on the beach hand and hand for a blissful moment. She always watched the couples walk hand and hand with one another from the same coffee shop over the years. And she always wondered if the couples just met or was it their spot where they first met, years ago. She wonders if she that simple walk will ever happen
with a loving genuine soul. And be completely in love with someone to fill the empty spot in her heart and her soul as she wished for a long time ago.
In her reality She had mini relationships, she had conversations, she had close calls, she had long- distances relationships. And yet she meets ones whom she thought loved her until they left her when her heart was on the line, alone. And she would start all over again each time, being in her thoughts and in her emotions. She would cry for hours, blaming herself for anything and everything that went wrong, she would stop eating for a few days because she would be too numb in her soul to consume a piece of candy. She would write her feelings down on pages throughout the silence of her days and she threw herself in all work possible. Her own heart stops beating the right way for a while and yet she would put on a smile for the world around without knowing she's hurting in the inside. After that she goes out with friends to just be around and away from herself. She's waited for true love to happen, she wonders if it’s meant to appear in this life or the next. She’s the girl that's never been asked out on a proper date and is still waiting each day if that day will come by.
She's been told, "She's too complicated or she's too Intimidating talk to". And yet they seek her in conversations anyway. She's been told," she doesn't know who is she and doesn't know what she wants." She would say," I am not looking for anything and I am not the type of the girl you are looking for". And things start as friends after a while things take a turn and she falls in love without realizing until it's faded away into two strangers again. There has been only one she approached in her lifetime and took a chance on him. Sometimes she will never know why they left in the first place without a word. After a repeated cycle of that, it took her a long time to walk back into herself as the woman she knows and a heart of a girl.
Looking out through the glass and staring at the crowd, she knows exactly who she is and what she wants. She's the girl who holds her protected heart close, she's too kind to those sometimes doesn't deserve her to be. She's tries to help everyone she can along the way and works hard every day even on the days she can't stop crying. She prayed for one person to be unconditional and faithful. And at the end of day wouldn't leave her hurting in her soul. She's the one who stands in her truth, even if she's the bad person in the scenario and the one who forgives everyone first before herself. And she wants to have a life full of bliss while sharing that along with someone. She wonders if that's a tall order to ask for in someone without knowing them yet.
She used to write love notes to someone that never existed just to express the love she has to give. Letters to her future, of what were her wishes were, the birthdays she had and what he missed out on in a day. And the notes about her rough days that no one even knows about to this very day. Those notes are hidden away and she wonders why she ever stop writing them in the first place?
Thinking back from her long drive on highway one up before meeting her destination here. when she stopped and ventured out for a break into a local card shop. Looking at the husbands and wives searching for the right card to express the words, they always wanted to say but didn't know how for valentine’s day. She picked sweet cards for each family member back home. There was a romantic card that spoke to her as she reached for the white card with red handwritten words on it. And yet she couldn't put it down but she didn't have anyone to give to either. She took all the cards in hand and paid for them. Before leaving the parking lot she sat and opened the card she was drawn to Titled,'' The Meaning of Love” She sat for a few moments and read each panel of the card line by line. By reaching the end of the card, she grabbed a pen from the console and wrote; " When I am with you, I will know the meaning of love". After sealing the red envelope, she wrote
"To my Future" on the top. She then hid the card in her luggage bag for safe keep and out of sight from herself and continued on her journey without thinking about it.
Coming back into the reality of the world around and where she is. She looks away from the large crowd still outside, she closes her eyes and a single tear leaves her hazel eye. Resting her right hand under her chin and wipes the silent tears forming away, she continues on. She previously thought, she could get through the stage bringing someone into her world and meeting his but things always collapsed before the thought could entertained. One day she would like to past that stage comfortable and confidently as well. Her mind continues to wonder more about her future and about what if's. She wonders if her father will ever give her away at her wedding and accepting the man she fell in love with unconditionally. Seeing her father shake his hand with a tight firm grip and leave her with a kiss on her forehead. Turning her head to the crowd of loved ones behind them to see the faces of pure joy and looking back at the man who helped her grow into a better woman. Every wedding she has gone to in her lifetime thus far, she always watched the groom reaction to seeing his bride to be. The look each man gave was always the same expression on his facing, " I knew you are my one" and leans in his bride ear to tell her something/ That single second of expression without words thats exactly, what she wants to see happen for herself one day. She sees herself being married one day and only being married once; she wonders if that's a dream to far from her reach.
She often wonders if having children of her own is in the cards for her as fate or is it a dream to be had. She always expressed that she probably won't have any and yet she prayed to be a mother one day and raise them with every fiber of her being. The names she had always loved, popped into her train of thought, if she did ever have them. After a breakup that no one knew about , the very next day a little boy crawled into her lap and she couldn't help but get teary eyed. The thought of her nieces and nephews back home come to her mind makes her smile and the beautiful chaos they create within seconds of hi's. Sometimes she refuses to watch the little wonders because it makes her think of the possibility of never having few of her own. And people constantly whispering in her ear that she would make a wonderful mother because she already takes care of everyone without a thought in her mind to do anything else different. Remembering the words people leave her in emails, text messages and in hand written cards about her, make her heart a bit more tender. And those sweet words, she keeps in a white shoe box on the top shelf in her closet. She used to open that box on occasion when new babies were being born around her but she stopped opening that box, five years ago after her last niece was born.
She watches from the bay window with coffee in hand, she hopes everyone in the world will find their other half of their soul. And for all the blessings come for each one, still standing on the pier. As she will be waiting for her other half. The question is if she will be waiting forever or will it happen in another lifetime. That is always her conclusion at the end of each trip in the small beach town. Leaving a five-dollar tip in the mason jug, she walks out the shop and leaves the smell of the coffee aroma behind her and breathes in the California sea air. Finding the sea beaten wooden stairs to the sparkling sandy beach floor and slips off her sandals to start her half mile journey walk home.
She walks back to her small blue beach house on the edge of bungalow. She always ends this particular trip with her shoes in hand and walk barefoot along the sandy edge and lingering slowly as the sun sets over the horizon starts to make a lightshow appear, before it fades away into dust then night sky stars takes form and that's her favorite show of them all. Even the thought of seeing the million of stars in the sky in a few hours brings a little smile to her face.
Watching the blue sky turning different shades of dark blues, light pinks, and an orange ray in between and for a single moment, she lost her breath before her, taking in the light show. She stood closer to the low tide waves a little more, letting the cold sea water hit her legs and toes. Taking in the sight, the smell of the fresh sea air and the smell of seaweed as well. Closing her eyes softly, listening to the nearly empty shore that was once busy of the crowd, she hears the crashing of the waves hitting the boardwalks, the wings of the birds flying around and the little children laughing the background, finishing up their sand castle. She took a deep breathing in while opening her eyes again to the world around and when she does, she sees a flock of birds flying across the sunset one last time before she turning back on her heels into her walk home. Opening the white French door to the house and dropping her shoes on the ground, she notices her cell phone left on the dining table blinking with a white light. She opens her phone and sees an unknown number with a text message, "You are loved and things will happen in divine timing". Just when she finished reading the text, a rainstorm started and she put her palm on the window glass as a thank you to the person and to the universe. She never knew who sent her that message on that day but it was a message that she needed to hear and something she will always remember. And what is meant will be true for her in the end and things in between will be the chapters to her book. Until next year, no one will know her inner thought besides her and that oak coffee shop by the sea.
New piece coming soon: will be a love story ( She made the first move and he made the last move )
Hope to hear from you soon. I truly hope you enjoy this one, as I did expressing it and writing it.
Love always,
Misread
