- Cassie. Sarkisian

- Mar 27, 2020
- 13 min read
Author's Note : I started this piece back in January of 2020, I was in a different head space and had a emotional roller coaster ride of what I was going through myself for a few months and I wasn't me in those days. And If I am honest about it the thoughts still running through my mind off and on. But so on I continued writing this in March of 2020 and under these circumstances of life now and the world is going through so much including being quarantined or locked down in some places. I thought this message is very important to share than ever in times like this and I hope I get this message across to you; where it makes sense and makes you think about this life in a different way.
The Beginning
"Will you miss me? Did I love you hard enough? Did I bring anything to the table of life that's worthy? Did I achieve things of value? Did I do enough in achievement in my life? What did I do to get this?" All the questions and thoughts she scribbled down from the last three months in her grey sweater, in left pocket waiting to be answered and ruled out. Reflecting her true thoughts of where she is right now where not one soul knows her and no one to treat her as glass for a moment. Giving it one last chance,she let it all out for no one to hear besides the wind around her.

Those are the questions and thoughts that go through my mind through times like this and I hope you can help me. Please help me understand what is happening to my body and why I can't stop being sad everyday. As I am sitting here on what feels like ledge of the world, thinking about this thing called life while listening to the wind. Reflecting on my small world around me and the big world surrounding the rooftop of a city I never been before. In the place where I thought I would always end up in and where I would always settled down eventually. The beauty of the life happening down below, kids playing in the park few streets away, people walking to and from the little shops around the hotel complex. The faint scent of the salt sea in the air on the edge of the town, hitting my face still from there.
Standing on this rooftop what seems like forever on this Friday evening,staring at the sun setting over the mountain ridge in this urban city to me, feeling trapped in my thoughts than enjoying the exciting city . I have been waiting on my results to coming in what seems like a year but in reality, I have been waiting to know for seventy- five days. I decided to escape from my life back home and waiting for the one phone call to come through that could change my life either way. I spent those seventy-five days, crying silently in the night wrapped up in the white duvet that didn't feel like my bed anymore. I layed in bed in the twilight hours if I would be missed if I was gone. I would wonder if I loved hard enough for everyone in life, if I hugged them enough if I said I love you enough. Praying each night on the carpet floor before I crawl back into the empty bed and attempt to fall asleep for all of it to just go away on its own.
I pray for those around me to be happy, healthy and for those who aren't around; that they are loved, they are healthy and happy in their successes. And I realized on those nights I am truly alone, no one to hear me cry, no one to hug me , no one to escape with, no one to hear what thoughts are in running around my mind everyday since the beginning as if I have died already in my soul. And yet, I am standing here alone hugging myself and taking a breath out, "I have faith that it will all work out in the end for the better".
I look at my life before this me in another perspective than through my eyes that led myself staring into a blur and my own soul jumping out of my body. Seeing all things I have gone through emotionally and physically before now. Yes, they all taught me lessons and made stronger on the other side of it all. I still think I haven't accomplished anything that matters to the world or to myself and that scares me more than anything. And discovering my voice in the world has disappeared is another thing that I found is slipping through my own grasp, every single day since December. If my voice disappeared then I have already. I thought that there's no value in all the years, I lived so far to create the substance of a full life had. Through every knock down in this life, I got up and started again but I haven't challenged myself to my full ability in my own potential yet.
About living up to my full potential was what this year was about for me, solely expanding on all levels before anything happened in my world. But what life would have in store for me this year is a curve-ball and a ball that I didn't expect to happen, either. Coming from being healthy and happy one day to constantly feeling not myself in different levels each day. First finding a lump in a place where there wasn't one before then a start of another forming two months later on the opposite side. For weeks, I stopped wanting nutriment for my body and the rumblings of hunger disappeared all together, eventually. And did the cravings with comfort food that Loved my whole life. Losing ten pounds without a notice in those days and I spent those days lost. I spent my nights under the covers with Fluffy blankets and went through piles of tissues. Then losing the my taste buds for days and a bump in my throat Started form. Months of Ear popping and cracking constantly when I thought it disappeared for a moment it would just appear a moment later,my own drum beat playing as I would eat, swallow throughout my days. Going to different doctors and they say," It will just pass and nothing is there to worry about." But I know Something is wrong with me because my body isn't healing, it's fighting a unknown battle and no one knows what it is besides myself , 'It something your body is fighting". In-between my own battles that I have kept under wraps, I lost people who, I thought I trusted and loved.And in my heart I thought they would never leave me even through pain but the way of the world , the universe shows you who will be there in the unknown and who will be the ones to just leave without a second thought. I discovered that hard lesson on this path and reaching out for some kind of connection,I left that behind to.
I learned to stop hurting my own mind and heart for my own sanity. Everyone said, "Don't worry about it ,stop thinking the worst". I think the worst to be prepared for the worst and to have a set plan in the works. Because the reality of how fragile life is and how fragile we are as humans when everything is out of our hands and control. And the factors of what happened with no explanation, wasn't helping with my struggle of thinking," That possibility I hit the end of my own robe without knowing what I am fighting and I have giving up on everything else. I don't even recognize the woman I have become in the mirror anymore".She said to the wind out loud ,hoping the energy around her would take her thoughts away for the last time.
She knew that moment either way if that phone call were to come through saying if it's cancer or not that it's time to go home and go back to life she walked away from. As she continues to wrap herself in her thoughts she seeing the faces that knew her struggle while being under the spotlight around her. As the sunset started to descant over the mountain tops at last, she heard her phone buzzed from the weathered bar top in the corner across the rooftop. Knowing it was time to hear one of results she was afraid of knowing the most. Picking up the Blue case Samsung Galaxy her hands start to shake uncontrollably and saying " This is She " in a shaking tone she had left. And the voice on the end said, " It's not Breast Cancer and all your tests came back normal as usual. You can breathe and stop worrying. What you are going through will pass in a few months and if doesn't we will cross that bridge together." All she could do it close her eyes and hold her tears back as much as possible, " Are you sure ?" Without knowing it , her body gave in to itself and resting on her shaking ankles and her tears came faster than any storm brewing in the sky. She whispered to the person on the other end , "How can this be ?". The only thing the person could say to comfort her from Six hours away, "Because you didn't give up on yourself even when you wanted to and you aren't the type to that when you are trying to". When that phone ended, she didn't move for a few moment but sat there and sobbed into her hands into as her one of prayers have been answered.
I will always remember this moment for my whole life she thought, looking back at the tail end of the sunset. She whispered, "Thank you for give me that piece of mind ". She reached into her pocket and tore up that letter full of questions she wrote in the smallest pieces of paper as she could. Letting the pieces float into the wind and watched the remaining pieces float down from at that cold rooftop to fifth level until she couldn't see them anymore. She dialed the only number she knew by heart and she knew that she never wanted to leave in the first place but she needed to, " I am coming home and I have good news to share for the first time in a long time, I have gotten a actual answer."
Heading Home

"Watching the Dusk hit the city around me and the faded strips of color disappear. I feel my heart take another deep sigh of relief for one last time, gripping my sweater tighter around me, thinking this all dream still forming than my new reality. Walking away from that rooftop was the hardest to do in that moment because it was that moment where all my baggage of bad thoughts and scenarios stayed."
Walking back into her room 777, grabbing her only piece of luggage her handbag from the closet. Then the breaking news came across the television screen that she muted moments before returning. She stop checking her bag and turned up the volume from the remote across the bed. In bold letters it said: "Breaking news the pandemic has reached to our shores ". But underneath that statement read: "Don't panic yet we aren't in a lock-down yet" . Staring at the news for a few short minutes, she calmly took a few breaths in then dialed the front desk from her phone. Getting through the desk manager she tells him ," I am checking out right now than in the morning and please cancel my next stay here that I booked in advance".
One hour later she's driving on I-95 with four hours left on the navigation and half tank of gas; she reflects about the things in her life between lane mergers and blinking tailgates.Seeing the packed cars full with families, couples young and old , hearing the same news for miles along the highway. She saw few people in cars, trucks full of supplies driving along the same direction being prepared for their families; even if that met for a few weeks supply or months of supplies. No one knows what to do, how to react to everything happening around was on every single face that night.She came to few conclusions about her life and how she could help uplift those around the world at the same time; Expressing herself and reminding everyone they aren't alone in this world.
When the Traffic started to thin out and away from the city life and an hour out from home; the small town she lives in.She pulled over on the side of the empty road in the middle of nowhere besides the road and one street light. She pulls her phone from the cup holder next to the now cold coffee from three cities ago. The phone sat cold into her hands, she looked out to the cold night; whispering to no one particular, "It's time to let things go , any ego , any grudges, any problems and fix anything that needs to healed". She pulled up every social media every blocked number, she had and unblocked and unmuted every single person in the phone that was her life. Because she knew in her heart that day, she knew it was something she needed to do. She was never the type of do that in first place for one and in the time where the world is in crisis, she rather give love, heal and be there for every single person out there regardless what happened in the past . This morning she was thinking there was more of chance of her dying from her biggest fear and no one knowing that either to thousands people dying of something that anyone can catch across oceans,borders and cities where she had friends in. She started to send text messages to few people that she left behind, just wanted to know if they and their family were safe and healthy.
" I know we don't talk anymore and it's my fault. I hope you and your family are safe, healthy. I have been thinking about you and I will be praying for you". And She sent out messages to family and friends if they needed anything before she arrived home. Closing her phone before continuing on the road, she feels that she did the right thing and somewhat calm into the new reality that the world is facing of the unknown.

It was a quarter to midnight and she finally reached her quiet little town and arrived to her empty street finally. Seeing each house have their cars parked in their driveways and some with their lights still on; fireplaces still running their last log of wood for the night. She has never seen her street full with everyone home besides the holiday seasons. Sneaking her way into her driveway and through the front door without waking up a full house of family; feeling relaxed she made it home and couldn't wait to see the faces she loved light up with some good news in the morning.
Heading into her room, that she ran away from; looked more inviting than it had looked in months before she left. Dropping her bag on the floor and fell backwards on the well made bed felt like heaven. Taking her phone out of her back pocket she saw, some replied to her message and some read them but said nothing at all. She felt relief to know that replied were safe,healthy and she can finally say, she was too. She fell asleep in her clothes from the day before, she woke up to hear footsteps, little paws walking around the house with a bit of laughter as well. A genuine smile forms across her lips and she runs down the hallway to see her whole family in one place and in her kitchen half wake smiles around with coffee cups freshly brewed. She finally says her news out loud for the first time, "It's not cancer and I will get better eventually within a few months. And if it doesn't I have you all right there and I love you all for letting me have space on my own for bit. Thank you for telling me over and over I would be okay in the end and when I didn't look well that you attempted to make me feel better ; usual I am the one taking care of everyone else. It does look like we will be stuck together for a bit longer anyway since it has been declared of A stay at home quarantined while staying six feet apart away from each other at all times in and outside of a home. I wouldn't have it another way since we are family and family stays together through the easy times and through the thunder storms". The smiling faces stared back at her and her small world started to feel a bit more normal in those short moments and breaking news came through the television screen again with more news reports of new cases again.
If I was gone today....
I realized I haven't lived yet nor have I left yet and I need to make a change to let everything go and let the walls disappear. Its okay to be scared and doesn't mean to live in fear of the unknown anymore. And I will live as I have loved , love life out-loud and continue to use my heart to lift everyone up. Chasing the good things and if anything goes wrong to laugh about it then sit and heartbroken about it.
Today
So here's the question, if you were gone today, tomorrow...Are you happy with things you left behind and how you handle things with people? Forget all you have accomplish in life right now and look into your heart and look where we are society right now. Are you thinking about people who haven't talked in awhile? Have you been reaching out more to your family and friends, like you should in moments like this? In today's circumstances life is at pause for a reason and it's a test, lesson for all of us for one reason or another. We all have dark times in our lives that could last for months, years; this moment we are all in the dark. But we need to be the ones to bring light back in for each-other even if that means from oceans part or from the street, let's all be each others teammate then watching the news full of the new cases and the innocents lives disappearing wishing we knew their story.
I hope this message gets across the right way to you. And no matter what journey each one of is going on one as individuals good or bad , there is always someone in your corner. A better tomorrow will be coming we just don't see it yet, I believe it is on horizon with answers and with cure. We will become better individuals, have stronger relationships and be more caring of strangers; take care of our local small business owners as well. I wish you and your families well and try to stay safe at home.

P.s Thank you for giving me your time and that's all I ever ask for.
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