Dear Marie : My Nene

Let me say this , what you will be reading beyond this point are my raw emotional feelings and for days, weeks ; it took me weeks to even make sense of this all internally. I tried writing this all out on paper and I couldn't even get past a few lines because to me pen to paper, about what I am about to share is tangible because on paper you can see my heart, my thoughts and soul. And I know writing this makes things real and how I process this change in my life with grief. To be completely honest , I have put off doing this because maybe I don't want to be real and I hope everyone understands why I didn't share this to anyone until now. Also if this all doesn't make sense at all, please know I tried to make it .. make sense.

To my family , every single one of you : I love you more than you ever know and we get through this together and she would want us to heal together.

October 8th my Nene was hospitalized due to Covid and she had underlying health issues. During her time in the hospital I prayed every night she was there , I would light a candle and hold the cross she gave as a baby along with a bracelet she gave me before my Dede passed. In the coming days , I would carry them in my pocket when I prayed when I felt she needed it. Nene, was getting better at one point then things turned for the worst. Our family had to stay our goodbyes at a distance October 16th, 2020 And because of this heartbreaking news, pain and life change; I shut down. In the same week other things happened that felt like a never ending horrible dream, I will share those things later. I felt like I had nothing, to say , nothing to feel after I had my final goodbye over the phone and telling her , " You can see Dede now, I love you forever". Those words coming out my mouth felt like I shouldn't be saying that to her at this stage of my life and she had so much to see still but I did it shaking because I know she needed to hear me saying those words. All I can remember from that moment shaking to my core, dropping my phone and laying on my bedroom floor for hours crying with everything I had left and saying, " Why my Nene? Why her? This shouldn't have happened ". And kept repeating that over and over .. And I remember my momma just holding me in place on the floor just letting me breaking down completely as she did to. I don't know what I would of done without her in that moment and I would be forever grateful for her coming to my life . And I know my Nene loved her also even only knowing her for a few years. I didn't want to tell anyone after knowing she was gone, I just didn't want to talk with everyone besides a few and I didn't want to see tons of flowers sent to my porch at once. And if I didn't mention yet , I am grateful to those who did know and sent flowers she would of loved every single steam.

My Nene, kept everything , every memory and everything that was special so every little thing she gave me over the years I kept them no matter what it was Pictures, decor that went with the holiday season ,I kept them. In the coming days of silence I saw those things I knew I had that made me smile but I also discovered things I forgot I saved like her voicemails that she would leave me either by accidently or on purpose . I found them on my phone all my accident myself and made my break down and lead me to listen to them on repeat. One was voicemail was wishing me a happy birthday and just hearing her voice like that felt like she wasn't gone. I kept waiting for her to call me and tell me ," Where are you ? How come you didn't call me this week ? You forget me ." As I am saying that , I am still hoping she would just call me and I can hear her voice but I know she can't because I have her phone. But in her way after she passed all the movies that we watch together ,when I was younger playing on tv. I laid in bed each night and watched the movies we shared together as if she was with me,watching them all over again, sometimes with my eyes close to remember what she would say through each film. First it was Mrs. Doubtfire then The Pacifier and her personal favorite Big fat Greek wedding. In Mrs. Doubtfire she would say ," Why this man dressed as woman?" And," Why he but this cake meaning the pie on face ; this too man crazy, He jealous". In her favorite one movie she loved, always stayed up to the point where the grandma would come to her granddaughter room with the box from her wedding. I would always see her smile at that sense and look back me while saying , "I understand , you understand she loves her daughter like, I love you as mine". And that's what broke me that week she will never see me walking down the aisle.

I started to write this on October 21st ,2020 on paper and couldn't finish it then.

Things are unreal , unimageable; when I say I probably written this a hundred and one times in my mind but yet I can't find the words to even begin to say what I want to say. Maybe because I don't want any of this to be real in my life, in this year all together but I don't have a time machine fix this whole year either. All I can do is pray and look up to the sky above for answer.

Our family has lost a wife , a mother, grandmother and a best friend all too soon on October 16th 2020. She was more than a grandmother to me , she was my mom, my teacher and my bestfriend and I was her girl. She's my mom and I was her daughter . Most people don't know how much this strong, wise , beautiful woman meant to me and knowing she won't be calling me anymore , "My girl" when we end a call each time, shattered my heart into a million pieces. I would say before we ended a call ," Nene, Don't forget me I love you " and she would say, " No , no never I love you my girl". For weeks, days; all I could was hearing her voice since that day.

Every chance I got throughout the years, either in person or on phone calls to each other, I would ask her to tell me stories just as she did when I was a little girl on her lap. She would tell me the story how my Dede (my grandfather) stole her heart away like Romeo stole Juliet's heart. And side note that story alone is my favorite one and hearing her share it every time made me happy and seeing her smile with my own eyes or just knowing she's smiling on the other end of the line after telling it to me probably the millionth time. I remember her telling me the story of her making my Dede's mom's soup when they first married and he was sick. When she first made it under the careful eye of his mom and she did everything right with every right ingredient and by the end of the cooking process, it didn't come out right at all. She said it took her lots of tries to get it just right in the end , that was her own way of telling me if I tried making her recipes on my own that I would get wrong but like she would say , " You try and you try. You eat, you eat , you make it a little strong , you fix and you will find one husband to make food for." I also heard that for days when I realized I would never be able to enjoy her send tupperware full of my favorite meals which made my heart hurt again. Two weeks before she was in the hospital that She made me favorites and I only wish I could of frozen them , to have them longer , to have her longer. This year I wanted to finish my cookbook project with her , a book full of her recipes written down by her hand and in book. And I could think is , " I wish I had more time to do that book , more time with her." Last week for my dad's birthday I wanted a piece of her with us , so I made her cheese borregg and I have to say they were pretty close to her's and I couldn't tell a difference from the taste. I rushed to to , got the ingredients and made them, to this very moment I can hear her voice has it was yesterday tell me how to roll them up and make sure I make them tight to fry them. It was one her side dishes the we made together last. I just closed my eyes and I can hear tell me things in the kitchen with her. Her telling me to grab something on the higher shelf because she would say ," Cassie I am too short ". And when she was done cooking you would find things washed , cleaned and the things she used at her height and in places in the kitchen , where those items she used; would go in her own kitchen back on Gault street.

Gault street my Home , I will always call her house my home because that was constant in my childhood. You would always find my Nene in the kitchen or cleaning the house. The for sure thing when anyone would arrive that you aren't leaving that house with either food in your stomach or fresh cooked meals in containers in your hands as well. If you were just stopping in for a few moments to say," Hi" before you can finish , " How are you ?" ; she would say , " You hungry?" . And then the table would be full of all the food she cooked that particular day or a labneh cheese sandwich in your hands. In reality that house on Gault street was everyone's house that walked through that white door. I can hear my Dede calling for her from the garage saying , " Marie , coffee please " with a cigarette in his left hand. I can see them smiling and sharing a moment when they thought no one was watching. I can feel her hands brushing my hair then braiding it after bath or shower and singing to me sleep. while she would watch Spanish soap operas with the sound muted while braiding my hair To this moment I would give anything to feel her hands in my hands, her arms wrapped around me for one more hug. Seeing the roses in the front of the house and her favorite roses in the backyard. The House that built me into the woman I become because of her. One of my favorite memory is laying on the grass with my Nene on a blanket laughing nonstop and her looking back at me during the summer days together.

The last time I physically touched her was mother's day of this year and that was surprise to her. I can say that I am holding on to that hug, giving her a bundle of Roses a blessing. Seeing her laugh and smiling back at me with that twinkle in her eye that I love . She said that I got that from her but that last day I saw her, hugged her , ate her food and not knowing the picture below is that last photo I took with her and the one on the left is one of my favorite photos of us together in the exact same spot ,if you can believe that. I searched for this old photo for days until I just found it finally to share. These photographs together will be forever my favorite ones of us.

Just know when you are at the end of reading this, I have my bedroom floor covered with photos of her and my childhood memories she saved for me and looking that photos I remember when she brought them to me a few years and we sat down together going through each photo , reliving the memories together and I can see her smiling, laughing on the bed with glasses on her nose and her rose pink slippers on. And knowing where those same slippers are right now is where they belong underneath the spare room bed, Maybe it's just me but I don't think I would be moving them forever. Eventually I found the pictures that are my favorite and I have shared them through this piece. I hope you all can see the light she had from her smile to her eyes and didn't matter what wore she was the best model in world to have a role model to look up to.

I wanted to share one or two more memories that kept popping in my head that made me laugh, when I thought about her. The first one was when I was eighteen and I lost her in the M resort specifically in the casino. I was told to watch her play at the machines then meet by one of the restaurants. Well she was playing , I was texting like a average teenage at the time. I looked up from my phone and she was gone. I couldn't find her in eye sight, I thought I was big trouble. So I did what I thought was best, I kept calling her phone full well she can't hear it but I can. So I hunted down her ringer for at least twenty min, scariest day of my life but I found her across the casino floor at a total different machine. And now I just confessed my sin of losing her in a casino and no one knew , we laughed at least because she said when I found her , " This machine win for that lady over there now I win , I watched this machine all day". Again my Nene making the best of everything when I was scared in my life.

The other memory is from a few New year's ago at a family house party. And after saying Hi and happy new year and kisses shared. She told me to get a drink , knowing I don't really drink myself. But I got only one that night and I planned to make it last throughout the night with lots of orange juice. When I got back to her on the couch, I noticed all the woman she had gathered around her and chatting away. I sat back down next to her with this drink in my hand , she asked what I had and upon telling her it had alcohol in it .. My Nene took it from me and drank at least half of it and handed back to me right after. And I remember her saying, " This too much vodka". I just looked at her with complete dismay , I didn't have the words because up till that moment in my life I never seen her drink any type alcohol in my life. But my God that moment I have never laughed and smiled more in that moment because she knew I didn't parties and I yet I was there for her and She always knew how to make the best memories happen together.

This Morning November 6th is the day is the day, We have to officially say our last goodbyes. I have dreading this day and I am just sick to my stomach. Wishing I could just hold her in my hands and this isn't reality.

This shouldn't have happened like this, this year and the way it did and wishing for more time with her every second of the day but I know from her last words she say to me the first day of being in the hospital, " It's time to see Dede" and that was always one of her wishes she ever told me and now she got that one first. Even one day I said the same thing I have always said when she said that , " You can't my Nene , not yet. I am not married to an Armenian man and I don't have babies. Dede has to wait a little longer and you are strong ". For weeks I have been replaying that facetime over and over in my head. But like I said before I just wish , my Nene didn't get that wish first out the two she ever wanted.

And I know she's Happier than the moon she's with the man she loved since the day met. Even though there was a moment in time when we pranked him with fake lotto tickets... Claiming he won millions and he didn't say a word until he tried to cash them. My Nene knew the whole time and she was laughing to when he went to the store.... I had end this on a high note and a little laugh for her just like I did ,when I knew she was sad about something , I need to make her laugh. They are both looking down on us and protecting each one of us holding hands, my Nene cooking and my Dede drinking his tenth cup of coffee of the day.

Love always,

Your girl

Cassie