2025 year of Me

Hi world , I must of written this maybe a thousand times in my head over that last three weeks. Where the words land by the end who knows but they will be honest. Saying goodbye to the year that I had was easiest thing to do, for 2024 going through it was a story in its self. And I could write that story but I'm not going to. I can say 2024,I have cried nearly once a week for the whole year that was an experience of 52 weeks. I can also say this year broke me many times in many places but also made me the strongest version by the end of it at the same time. Because I can break a million times over but I can also heal million times over. I noticed by the end of this year a couple of people asked me the same question, " How does one get through the broken ?" and they would ask me without knowing what I was going through that moment. My answer was and still is," Don't be afraid of the breaking whenever you can. Allow yourself to break over and over till your soul ready to heal". There's beauty in breaking and the beauty of healing at the same time. x

At the same time I'm kind of saying a little Hello to 2025 even through I don't know what's in store for this year either. Good or bad it's a new year, new set of everything including life.

Now I got that little part out the way there has been the happiest moments of my year that no one knows about either. The little moments I captured all by myself, no witness, no posting it anywhere. They were just for me. The girl singing on the top of lungs with only audience was the wind and possible any on lookers when I realized I'm at a stop of red lights then I suddenly act like nothing happened . The girl just choose to date her self for the year even on the days she didn't want to, she treated herself for five minutes or a hour .The girl who tries to be herself even if she shouldn't. The girl who would get dressed up and go no where to be and yet perfectly content in company of a Penna vodka for one and three wild Shepard's running in all directions. You probably would notice I been saying girl not woman. (Insert the Britney Spears's song in here ).. If you get the reference you get the reference. Look up the crossroads movie that's the version playing in my head. Because sometimes healing a girls heart makes a strong woman at the end of the day even of it takes time even if it takes longer than one wishes. I like to think I'm a stronger woman through all the things that's not mentioned and things that are small to others but are massive to me. I always been the type the smallest things matter as much as the biggest things in life.

I been thinking about my word for year and I landed on it's a bit odd word of choice. I thought about it for a while, the word is Selfish. Now, now don't take it as a negative choice of word even if by definition it is. I think of it as being selfish with life a little but in good way. Selfish to enjoy life. Selfish in being myself even if way I talk is a long winded story. My closest friends can contest to my long winded story's or statements , I love words. Selfish in every single away that's is good, to be free being selfish. I think that is as honest I can get about it. Or the word could always backfired in the end but this life. What if this where all leads and goes. I think that statement is a perfect beginning and ending when one doesn't know the answer to something beautiful to the question mark about life. Right?

The funny part is I'm kind of looking forward to being that way even if it's once in a lifetime to be, if its for three months,; six months or the whole 365 days or just a few moments even. Or who knows becoming the word will change the whole direction for my life, my world. I may be a little to excited about this word . I think it will be a fitting word to describe the year and one never knows what could happen the year. I think we can all agree with that statement by each New Years Eve. The unexpected I have learned can always lead to good things even through chaos, through sadness; the unexpected can lead to laughter and one wild story in the end it's how you look at. When was the last time you decided to be selfish for a minute or done the unexpected just for the thrill and nothing else. And on one knew about it besides your own little secret with universe.

Now in retro perspective I wrote the beginning of this post on new year eve with a glass of baileys to close out year watching the ball drop and obviously one I didn't post it or even finish it even through in my pretty mind I thought I did. I did enjoy that glass in bed and fell asleep with phone in hand with the open draft, you see as a published post before you.

I will share what my first day into 2025 was unexpected shocker of events on day one! I'm still laughing about it and to be completely honest sometimes you got say out loud, "I guess this how it was suppose to anyway". In the next post maybe that's where I begin.

I wrote this on the last night of 2024 to the fresh morning of 2025 and clearly I have this thing where in my first post of the year now comes out in spring each year. I promise that is never my intention to always post it that late ( these last few years) but hey at least its written and posted, it exists . I guess life always come first in a way and also I tend to sit with things no matter what it is but especially when it comes to this. This little thing is always me for me. One single place in the universe where it feels right and that's all I will say.

And Happy new year to you all!

Just from little old me.

P.s I been writing other posts, more is coming very soon.

Feeling Twenty-Two New Year

Happy 2022! Feeling of twenty-two will be the one year we all have been dreaming about!

When you are see this ,I am writing this on the eve of new year's. Cuddled up on the couch in my new years party outfit that no one will ever see and the fireplace warming up the house. A cup of white chocolate peppermint tea to keep me awake untill midnight, hopefully. What a year it's been, I think we can all agree on that. So many things happened and many things repeated as well. The good, the bad and quite the unexpected that was 2021 in my opinion.

I am hopeful that 2022 will be the blessing year that we all have been wanting, looking forward and what we need. Even if we are all still in a pandemic cycle that hopefully we can go back to being the world that we used to know. Like I said in the title feeling twenty-two could be the golden one ahead. I remembered my twenty-two year was one of best years of my life. Full of love, full of happiness and full great adventures were had during that year.

I believe 2022 will be the same and good things will happen more often and everything we went through from 2021 taught us lessons individually and globally that we needed to learn. We can learn to be free in our lives again ,whatever that means to you. Escaping to another place secretly, dancing in rain, making your dream a reality then waiting a longer. Chase what makes your heart happy, make your soul feel peaceful and have courage to say things that you held yourself back on. Be young again, age is just a number they say anyway. Laugh whenever you can, take the chances you wouldn't take in through the new year.

As you know I always have a word or two for the New Year then a resolution . And in my days relaxing into this year so many key words come to mind. To just pick one or two have been tough to say the least. I keep thinking about possibilities and chasing to be particularly. Now the question iswhy choose those words.

I have been thinking about dwelling on the possibilities. Possibilities are endless in life and sometimes we don't chase the endless possibilities we have. The ones that come unexpectedly, the ones we think about ,day dream about . So coming right down to it my meaning of 2022 is chasing the possibilities. Saying yes the thing I wouldn't normally say yes to. And chasing my heart away to its full extent. Chasing away fears and limitations that I have put in my way. Chase adventures and make my vision of dreams come true . If you could chase endless possibilities without limitations what would you do? Pounder that thought.

On this between to times the new years eve and dawn of the new year. I have to say I am blessed with family and friends I have my life . And of course the wild zoo over here that make every day interesting eithet if I am up for for their craziness or not. I hope you are all having a safe new years and with those you love around. I hope this year treats you well and have grear moments to remember along down memories lane for the future. Take day one of 2022 has the freshest start you ever had. Also that you take this day to relax and write down what you wish for this year . Trust me it well worth wishes then goals.

I decided to give you a full blog post of book reviews I haven't caught you all about the interesting ones, the saucy ones to! And trust me they are all great books! And I am going to explain myself on why I wasn't around to post my usual seasonal posts! And decided to release some of those stories that I have kept under wraps, I may keep talking about them but I promise you will see them sooner than later. So keep on the look out for those post and just beware they will be lengthy ones....you can't get mad at me in advance, I gave full warning from 2021.

On the first day of 2022 , you can find me on the beach as usual with a something yummy in hand meaning caffeine from staying up to late and snacking not from a hungover that I wish I had from a fun night with friends. I find being at the beach on the first day is quite the reflection on so many things. And usually there's less people by the beach on this day so its a great idea.

I suggest any of you by any body of water to give a try first thing in the morning unless you are by snow then do not do that unless you want to freeze. Take your shoes off and just be yourself turn off that phone and be in the moment of the beginning of what's all to come.

Well I think I talked enough for the moment at least, see you all in 2022. I hope you wake up happy ,blessed and not on a hungover on the first day! So much to person misread and more to look forward to. We can only go up from here ,that's how I see it.

Love and peace to you all. I hope you are feeling twenty-two all over again, here we Go!

See you in wee bit my friends, my readers!

Love ,

Misread

Dear Marie : Life without your presence

Disclaimer: This took me a few days to write and let it sit for awhile in my own world. And debated if I should share this and let people into another chapter of my personal life. Dear Marie is about my Nene, my bestfriend and I miss her every second of everyday and I wish my phone would ring and she would be on the other end of that call. If this moves you to tears, I am sorry in advance and know that's never my intent to bring anyone to tears.

In the last few weeks, I have been restless and feeling out of placed in world. I find myself staring into my white ceiling of space till two am just thinking away about life in general, the little things to the big things in life. My television on with one of favorite drama shows fading in the background and yet I wasn't there even watching it. I spent those restless night writing away every I want to say down on paper or keying away and yet nothing seem tangible to put down in physically. They seemed trapped in my own mind and my heart like permanent tattoos of unsaid moments.

And in this moment currently the exact words still escape me. Please forgive me if this all seems backwards and I might repeat myself. Where to start is an understatement of the century.

Today is the day after anniversary of my Nene's passing. And it still feels like it happened yesterday not a year ago in reality. Walking into the same church ,I sat next to her for so many weddings is the moment that feels unbearable for her one year year anniversary . Picturing her next to be on my left, dressed up nicely, her hair done and hearing about her shoes already make her feet sore then handing me her purple iPad with these words, " You make video put on bookface". Yes, I did; if you were wondering if I recorded the video for her. Yes, I was the one in the back left pew recording a wedding as subtle as one could after the loud beep of the recording button being pushed.

In a reality standing in the same church that everyone I know has gotten married in, baptized in; took me back to another time, another life. In the crowed Armenian church of 2021, the smell of burning candles behind me floating in the air above; I closed my eyes and floated away to a time when I was a little girl. I don't remember why were at the church for in the first place but I remember, her being in a simple black dress wearing pearls on her neck and I was in a white and yellow outfit possibly a poke dot style but don't quote me on the style part. I remember her teaching me how to light the candle in my little hand properly and taught me the proper way make the Sign of the Cross in Armenian. Feeling of her right hand on my hand to show me facing the lighten candles, I felt that same moment all over again the same church Twenty- Seven years later on white oak over mine. The warmth of her soft hand touching my little hand then and when I placed the candle for her without her to hand guide me now. The smell of her perfume she used to wear everyday ,I caught a whiff of it over the smell candles opening my eyes as I let my prayer go unspeakable moment that I kept to myself.

Watching the room of full of families that I know and those I don't around that crowed church, listening to priest and choir singing; I was reliving moments from all those years ago and wishing she was here in the same pew where we sat together a few years ago. Looking at that pew from where I stood, I wish she could see the little babies that were just born in the family, I know that would make her smile and at the same time question me why I haven't given her a great -grandchild. Then getting into the same , "Nene lecture" of marriage and children came to my head, " You need one husband and make babies. You are my daughter, you need kid not puppies. But No Money ,No Hunny." And that's the short version and straight to her point. Then my response back , "Took much work, I haven't found one, no one wants me." Then her last response would be , "No worry, I will find one for you and one for me". Standing in that church with a mask on , I am smiling there just listening to her and trying not to cry.

When it came to reading of the names of those her passed on, hearing her name didn't seem real to hear and yet I still think she would just appear from the crowd and say, "No". After her name was spoken then the names of kin came next. When I heard my own name spoken by the priest in a English accent ,he said Casey not Cassie. Making eye contact with some family members all I could do is try not to laugh out loud in such silence because I am thinking about another memory that came to mind. I was thinking about the times when she would write in my birthday cards, Christmas cards each year, sometimes it was to Casey not me exactly but close. Looking back at those times, I never correct her on that either it's what made her special. And maybe that was her funny sign to me without anyone noticing why it was funny to me at least.

Visiting her that day after church, I could feel her presence but not actually touching her with the light breeze flowing. Placing the flowers for her and my Dede seemed to be a dream still not reality. But our family circle around them felt too real for it to be a dream. Standing there holding hands, I can hear voice around me, remembering all the conversation we had together. The voicemails she left on my phone that I still have. The smell of the incense floating in the wind, all of us with our head down saying our thoughts to both of them after prayer. Leaving never seems real, never seems right either as time feels thin each time. As much time I spent with her, with them and the memories I have on my heart, in photographs still feel as if it wasn't enough time either.

Went to a brunch with family around felt like she was the missing piece even if it was for her. Sitting with family I haven't seen in while, just being with them felt like all those all parties, family gatherings with her and I felt like I was waiting for my Nene to seat next to me holding my hand.

Just being in the moment with aunties and uncles talking about her was the most precious thing. Taking about the few things I figured out her recipes without any of her recipes on hand like she has said all my life, "You taste and you know to put more or no more". Finding out Mujadarah is the hardest one to get down, After our second attempt we figure it out. One of the most beautiful thing was hear Nora talking about her, saying how they would have coffee all the time together each week. And growing up I can remember all the wiser ladies and men would gather together and have a mid afternoon coffee each week. When I heard those words I remembered those exact words being spoken by my Nene which I found beautiful.

Looking around the group that joined I see them not as who have aged to but who they all were to another lifetime ago. I can picture my Nene asking someone to help her get something from her car. Knowing full well she was suppose to bring one thing to the party and the back seat was full of platters as if she was cooking for hundreds of people or an army, Cheese borrege, Sarma, Dolma and cookies in-between the other trays. Then head to the kitchen with the platters where all the other ladies are making food for a party. I can see cousins running around playing with each other and now they are adults now. I see my grandfather with his nephews each one of them having a small coffee ,talking and maybe having a cigarette as well after the meal. Also they all share a cheeky grin with each other, I was always wondered if they were up to something but then again they were always smiling. And the younger version of uncles with father around the older gentlemen to but joking around and playing basketball at the same time. Then the ladies would seat down for a minute or two and share a cup of coffee as well, chatting life while holding little ones well. That's what I see another life in another time and yet in the present time too. I can smile about those memories and the memories forming currently.

Dear Marie, I wish you were here right now, in the kitchen the smell of your cooking floating our house. I wish you could tell me how to make all the recipes all over again. I wish I could see you walking in those rose pink slippers in the kitchen. I wish you tell me that we need a vacation to Las Vegas and party the night away. I wish you can tell me that I need to give you great-grand kids. I wish you would call me to explain my father's bookface post of the day to you. I wish I could be watching Big fat Greek Wedding for the one hundredth of time cuddling in bed. I wish I could hear you and Dede's love story one more time. I wish you were braiding my wet curly hair one more time and hear that lullable that you would sing each grand child to sleep. I wish you would be at my wedding, seeing grandbabies and to every special moment in my life. I wish the most to hear the words, " I won't worry and no never."

So, " Nene Don't worry , Don't forget me. Love you."

The unexpected part of life is time. Time can be pulled from us any second and I think sometimes we don't even realize it's happening at the same time of our presence. And if the past year has taught us Time can't be slowed down, even if we tired to make it slow down ,we can't. That we should do everything we desire to in this life, spend time with all of those in our hearts. Let things go, Fix things physically, emotionally with everyone that means the most to them. And Say things you want to say with your heart and soul because one day those words can never be spoken to those who needs to hear them. Never let time get ahead of you.

Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it and I didn't bring anyone to tears. That wasn't my aim to but to share what's on my heart and a reminder that time can't be paused and make things count in life. And if you read my original post last year, I thank you. And if you haven't read it before, please do; I have it link down below. I think looking back at all of my other work as a whole I ever written in life her piece is one that can't be repeated by my hand or out written by anything else I write from now on, ( In my opinion at least ) and I put every fiber of my being into those words. I Just hope I did her justice as she showed love to everyone she knew or came by. And her presence is missed but I know she around in her own way.

My love always,

Little Cassie