Hi world

I assume the first thing would be where in the World have I been ? See what I did there... Hehe I made a tiny pun. Let me have it.

That at one point was very successful and people around the world read my work, saw my photography. I would also say there has been life changes, heartbreaks and lessons that happens that changes a person in the end. And that person could be in the same office with the same keyboard physically but in the inside of their soul be completely different. That's who I am now. I'm different and yet a little bit of same of the old me. The only way I could describe it. I have been genuinely happy at peace and happy where I'm at right now. It was an easy road, lots ups and downs, lots tear's that the world would never see but the walls would hear. I learned people come and go ,they sometimes stay for while, but each one will carry a piece of you and you will carry a piece of them. You will grief that loss in your own way, you think of them, no one will know that you are besides you. A lot can change in days, months and in a year. I learned into just lean into it is a better way of handling any situation. I can say I'm genuinely happy and at peace with everything is because letting go of everything, if something going to happen, it's going to happen either way. I feel much better, should have just done that long ago in life. No matter what it's called life but also creating history is seconds. Both in the present, past and the future. I had a few friends that know my life say recently ," You are too calm and relaxed. How are you doing this ? " . My response " Its because I choose happiness, now . And let everything go ,really. I can think about the loss of people as in it was chapter. A chapter that I would love to continue but I know it is meant to stay it can but if doesn't. I can see what happened any time I want ; the bad , the good . But don't stay there for too long. Where it went wrong or when it was happy . Its a choice to be happy and be relaxed" .Forgive quickly ,have that cry, have that scream. It's about releasing yourself and choosing to be happy regardless of the crumbling around. So that's where I'm at. Where are you? Think about it for a minute.

Now by that being said , I have tried returning many of times , it just seemed there was always something that would fall into my hands to take care of first . Time and time again eventually I just gave in to it. Because that's what life had in store for me at the time. And of course things fell through the cracks, that I didn't even see. Apparently I'm just the soul that loves stepping up to any plate and take care of things until I don't need to. To know everything around my orbit is functioning as it should is when I know I can touch my world again. It's habit of mine, I discovered. Maybe it's a habit I need to break ,here and there. We might have our own worlds has in families, friends, work but indivually we have own world inside us. And that's important to take care of us too. Because we live that every second that we breathe. I hope that make sense; it made sense to me. And per my author name, I'm misread for a reason if it doesn't make sense... That's okay.

I wonder if this world would be ever a place for me to step back into. Or it would even be thing that I always wanted it to be to begin with. Timing is everything, they say. When I close my eyes genuinely just envisioned what it always suppose to be all along, it makes me feel happy from my head to my toes. And it's a good thing it still makes me feel that. Makes me want that to be true reality, more .There was suppose to be print shop and other things, even through I have the other mini one which you could find on Zazzle. I think it could be better and it will be better. Possibly AKW will be in hands of many, who knows! I'm more open to success then I think I even know yet.

So Hi !

And yes, I'm babbling along and I will continue on. I write how I talk , I want to express myself like you are my best friend regardless if there's a screen between us. Just imagine we are out at some busy loud café but it's cozy for lunch and brew.

Can't believe we are in 2024 already and three months in ,I still don't know how time flies so fast sometimes. So much changed in these days already in the new year. I hope these first three months into 2024 has treat you all with kindness, love and wonder. And if not then you are right around the corner of being good for you. I always kick of the new year with new word that I think would set the tone for what's ahead at least for me. It's what I do. I think it's better than a resolution that sometimes we forget to keep. I know we can't always predict what the next second would be ,but we still try as humans. I might only be three months late but it's better to be late sometimes than never showing up at all. Let me be honest I didn't exactly have a word in the beginning of the year, I was busy on healing myself from my own conflicted injury. By walking and eating it mud not my best moment but Hey; life happens. Don't ask ,how ! You don't want to hear how much my ego was bruised. Back to my word of the year, I thought it would be Happiness at first honestly. And I was going to stick with that word because it made sense. Then it came to me just out of nowhere what the word should be , My word is ME. And I think those two letters make a powerful word. Let me tell you why that little word means putting myself first this year is important. Me being Happy is important to my soul . Me having success this year is important to my inspiration . Me being in love is important to my heart. That includes more self love as well. Me being more relaxed is important to my mind. And lastly Me having more fun that I have before is important because I deserve it. Now I don't know where Me is heading into the rest of the year, but I know where ever I land, it will be good, I'm sure and I deserve it. Right where I belong .And of course life with throw it's curves along the way. I'm sure we could all attest to that!

I did a little poll on my Instagram how long my first blog post back should be, you guys said ten minutes along. Here I thought you guys would want a short blog post that would get straight to the point and maybe long story next instead! But I was proven wrong very very quickly in that little poll. So I guess I can share that I'm writing something very powerful. At least to me. I think it was something I was suppose to write and share. It had many lives ,different versions exist but never saw light. It had different titles as well. I also will say that it's about love of course. What else would I write about ,hehe. But a different kind of love this is about. I think it will make people relate to different moments of the story. It may even make one cry and I apologize if it makes you cry in advance. I hope it was a good cry. It's very deep and personal to me. When I say deep ,I mean depth. It's at the space of heart where I don't share that space for anyone besides my soul. It not the type of conversation I would have over coffee. That space is where I wonder when I write but I hold back what's mine in each story. Think of this next piece has Taylor's Swifts All To Well song but the 10 minute version. If you ever listened to song in depth, you'll get my point. All I have ever given are the short versions of that space in everything I written but I think it's time at least in this era of my life it gets shown even if that's just once. It all depends if you all like it or not ! If not , oh ooops we shall cross that bridge when we get there. And if you are thinking, you are all getting a title out of me now. You would be right! The title is "Knowing Me, knowing You. " That's it! You aren't getting anything else out of me. Even that was too much but I think it was well deserved for waiting a long dam time for a good story! Well hopefully it would hit your expectations.

In closing I'm Back and I hope it's for good because this will always fuel my soul. It brings me happiness in my own little corner of the world on a little island even if I'm the only soul on the island. I know readers will return someday hopefully some day soon. They are just hidden away from this world at the moment. And that's definitely okay. I know nature lovers will come by see my photos. Once they leave the many beautiful hiking trails, fields because if you didn't notice we are spring! And the rumors are this year would be biggest super bloom yet ! We shall see how much of the bloom we get to see. Even though, I'm physically sitting in a snow storm with many layers of 32 degree attire and sleepy pups at my feet. And Trust me I'm not moving a muscle while typing away. Being in nature is better than any city unless there's important food craving then I understand the foodie and nature argument. You might hear more about this foodie opinions in future. There has been another thing that I been thinking about dabbling it. But I will leave you with this, be prepared to feel, to be on journey that will definitely be different. Because I feel everything will be different. But also still being misread regardless of anything else. So lets all enjoy the grammar errors and run off sentences all together! Because I can't help that anyway, it's in my nature any way!

See you soon ,I hope!

Bye for now.

With love,

Me

P.s If you think I have an release date in mind for "Knowing me , Knowing you". I don't. But I way sooner than you think!

Dear Marie : Life without your presence

Disclaimer: This took me a few days to write and let it sit for awhile in my own world. And debated if I should share this and let people into another chapter of my personal life. Dear Marie is about my Nene, my bestfriend and I miss her every second of everyday and I wish my phone would ring and she would be on the other end of that call. If this moves you to tears, I am sorry in advance and know that's never my intent to bring anyone to tears.

In the last few weeks, I have been restless and feeling out of placed in world. I find myself staring into my white ceiling of space till two am just thinking away about life in general, the little things to the big things in life. My television on with one of favorite drama shows fading in the background and yet I wasn't there even watching it. I spent those restless night writing away every I want to say down on paper or keying away and yet nothing seem tangible to put down in physically. They seemed trapped in my own mind and my heart like permanent tattoos of unsaid moments.

And in this moment currently the exact words still escape me. Please forgive me if this all seems backwards and I might repeat myself. Where to start is an understatement of the century.

Today is the day after anniversary of my Nene's passing. And it still feels like it happened yesterday not a year ago in reality. Walking into the same church ,I sat next to her for so many weddings is the moment that feels unbearable for her one year year anniversary . Picturing her next to be on my left, dressed up nicely, her hair done and hearing about her shoes already make her feet sore then handing me her purple iPad with these words, " You make video put on bookface". Yes, I did; if you were wondering if I recorded the video for her. Yes, I was the one in the back left pew recording a wedding as subtle as one could after the loud beep of the recording button being pushed.

In a reality standing in the same church that everyone I know has gotten married in, baptized in; took me back to another time, another life. In the crowed Armenian church of 2021, the smell of burning candles behind me floating in the air above; I closed my eyes and floated away to a time when I was a little girl. I don't remember why were at the church for in the first place but I remember, her being in a simple black dress wearing pearls on her neck and I was in a white and yellow outfit possibly a poke dot style but don't quote me on the style part. I remember her teaching me how to light the candle in my little hand properly and taught me the proper way make the Sign of the Cross in Armenian. Feeling of her right hand on my hand to show me facing the lighten candles, I felt that same moment all over again the same church Twenty- Seven years later on white oak over mine. The warmth of her soft hand touching my little hand then and when I placed the candle for her without her to hand guide me now. The smell of her perfume she used to wear everyday ,I caught a whiff of it over the smell candles opening my eyes as I let my prayer go unspeakable moment that I kept to myself.

Watching the room of full of families that I know and those I don't around that crowed church, listening to priest and choir singing; I was reliving moments from all those years ago and wishing she was here in the same pew where we sat together a few years ago. Looking at that pew from where I stood, I wish she could see the little babies that were just born in the family, I know that would make her smile and at the same time question me why I haven't given her a great -grandchild. Then getting into the same , "Nene lecture" of marriage and children came to my head, " You need one husband and make babies. You are my daughter, you need kid not puppies. But No Money ,No Hunny." And that's the short version and straight to her point. Then my response back , "Took much work, I haven't found one, no one wants me." Then her last response would be , "No worry, I will find one for you and one for me". Standing in that church with a mask on , I am smiling there just listening to her and trying not to cry.

When it came to reading of the names of those her passed on, hearing her name didn't seem real to hear and yet I still think she would just appear from the crowd and say, "No". After her name was spoken then the names of kin came next. When I heard my own name spoken by the priest in a English accent ,he said Casey not Cassie. Making eye contact with some family members all I could do is try not to laugh out loud in such silence because I am thinking about another memory that came to mind. I was thinking about the times when she would write in my birthday cards, Christmas cards each year, sometimes it was to Casey not me exactly but close. Looking back at those times, I never correct her on that either it's what made her special. And maybe that was her funny sign to me without anyone noticing why it was funny to me at least.

Visiting her that day after church, I could feel her presence but not actually touching her with the light breeze flowing. Placing the flowers for her and my Dede seemed to be a dream still not reality. But our family circle around them felt too real for it to be a dream. Standing there holding hands, I can hear voice around me, remembering all the conversation we had together. The voicemails she left on my phone that I still have. The smell of the incense floating in the wind, all of us with our head down saying our thoughts to both of them after prayer. Leaving never seems real, never seems right either as time feels thin each time. As much time I spent with her, with them and the memories I have on my heart, in photographs still feel as if it wasn't enough time either.

Went to a brunch with family around felt like she was the missing piece even if it was for her. Sitting with family I haven't seen in while, just being with them felt like all those all parties, family gatherings with her and I felt like I was waiting for my Nene to seat next to me holding my hand.

Just being in the moment with aunties and uncles talking about her was the most precious thing. Taking about the few things I figured out her recipes without any of her recipes on hand like she has said all my life, "You taste and you know to put more or no more". Finding out Mujadarah is the hardest one to get down, After our second attempt we figure it out. One of the most beautiful thing was hear Nora talking about her, saying how they would have coffee all the time together each week. And growing up I can remember all the wiser ladies and men would gather together and have a mid afternoon coffee each week. When I heard those words I remembered those exact words being spoken by my Nene which I found beautiful.

Looking around the group that joined I see them not as who have aged to but who they all were to another lifetime ago. I can picture my Nene asking someone to help her get something from her car. Knowing full well she was suppose to bring one thing to the party and the back seat was full of platters as if she was cooking for hundreds of people or an army, Cheese borrege, Sarma, Dolma and cookies in-between the other trays. Then head to the kitchen with the platters where all the other ladies are making food for a party. I can see cousins running around playing with each other and now they are adults now. I see my grandfather with his nephews each one of them having a small coffee ,talking and maybe having a cigarette as well after the meal. Also they all share a cheeky grin with each other, I was always wondered if they were up to something but then again they were always smiling. And the younger version of uncles with father around the older gentlemen to but joking around and playing basketball at the same time. Then the ladies would seat down for a minute or two and share a cup of coffee as well, chatting life while holding little ones well. That's what I see another life in another time and yet in the present time too. I can smile about those memories and the memories forming currently.

Dear Marie, I wish you were here right now, in the kitchen the smell of your cooking floating our house. I wish you could tell me how to make all the recipes all over again. I wish I could see you walking in those rose pink slippers in the kitchen. I wish you tell me that we need a vacation to Las Vegas and party the night away. I wish you can tell me that I need to give you great-grand kids. I wish you would call me to explain my father's bookface post of the day to you. I wish I could be watching Big fat Greek Wedding for the one hundredth of time cuddling in bed. I wish I could hear you and Dede's love story one more time. I wish you were braiding my wet curly hair one more time and hear that lullable that you would sing each grand child to sleep. I wish you would be at my wedding, seeing grandbabies and to every special moment in my life. I wish the most to hear the words, " I won't worry and no never."

So, " Nene Don't worry , Don't forget me. Love you."

The unexpected part of life is time. Time can be pulled from us any second and I think sometimes we don't even realize it's happening at the same time of our presence. And if the past year has taught us Time can't be slowed down, even if we tired to make it slow down ,we can't. That we should do everything we desire to in this life, spend time with all of those in our hearts. Let things go, Fix things physically, emotionally with everyone that means the most to them. And Say things you want to say with your heart and soul because one day those words can never be spoken to those who needs to hear them. Never let time get ahead of you.

Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it and I didn't bring anyone to tears. That wasn't my aim to but to share what's on my heart and a reminder that time can't be paused and make things count in life. And if you read my original post last year, I thank you. And if you haven't read it before, please do; I have it link down below. I think looking back at all of my other work as a whole I ever written in life her piece is one that can't be repeated by my hand or out written by anything else I write from now on, ( In my opinion at least ) and I put every fiber of my being into those words. I Just hope I did her justice as she showed love to everyone she knew or came by. And her presence is missed but I know she around in her own way.

My love always,

Little Cassie