- Cassie. Sarkisian
- Oct 25, 2021
- 8 min read
Disclaimer: This took me a few days to write and let it sit for awhile in my own world. And debated if I should share this and let people into another chapter of my personal life. Dear Marie is about my Nene, my bestfriend and I miss her every second of everyday and I wish my phone would ring and she would be on the other end of that call. If this moves you to tears, I am sorry in advance and know that's never my intent to bring anyone to tears.
In the last few weeks, I have been restless and feeling out of placed in world. I find myself staring into my white ceiling of space till two am just thinking away about life in general, the little things to the big things in life. My television on with one of favorite drama shows fading in the background and yet I wasn't there even watching it. I spent those restless night writing away every I want to say down on paper or keying away and yet nothing seem tangible to put down in physically. They seemed trapped in my own mind and my heart like permanent tattoos of unsaid moments.
And in this moment currently the exact words still escape me. Please forgive me if this all seems backwards and I might repeat myself. Where to start is an understatement of the century.
Today is the day after anniversary of my Nene's passing. And it still feels like it happened yesterday not a year ago in reality. Walking into the same church ,I sat next to her for so many weddings is the moment that feels unbearable for her one year year anniversary . Picturing her next to be on my left, dressed up nicely, her hair done and hearing about her shoes already make her feet sore then handing me her purple iPad with these words, " You make video put on bookface". Yes, I did; if you were wondering if I recorded the video for her. Yes, I was the one in the back left pew recording a wedding as subtle as one could after the loud beep of the recording button being pushed.
In a reality standing in the same church that everyone I know has gotten married in, baptized in; took me back to another time, another life. In the crowed Armenian church of 2021, the smell of burning candles behind me floating in the air above; I closed my eyes and floated away to a time when I was a little girl. I don't remember why were at the church for in the first place but I remember, her being in a simple black dress wearing pearls on her neck and I was in a white and yellow outfit possibly a poke dot style but don't quote me on the style part. I remember her teaching me how to light the candle in my little hand properly and taught me the proper way make the Sign of the Cross in Armenian. Feeling of her right hand on my hand to show me facing the lighten candles, I felt that same moment all over again the same church Twenty- Seven years later on white oak over mine. The warmth of her soft hand touching my little hand then and when I placed the candle for her without her to hand guide me now. The smell of her perfume she used to wear everyday ,I caught a whiff of it over the smell candles opening my eyes as I let my prayer go unspeakable moment that I kept to myself.
Watching the room of full of families that I know and those I don't around that crowed church, listening to priest and choir singing; I was reliving moments from all those years ago and wishing she was here in the same pew where we sat together a few years ago. Looking at that pew from where I stood, I wish she could see the little babies that were just born in the family, I know that would make her smile and at the same time question me why I haven't given her a great -grandchild. Then getting into the same , "Nene lecture" of marriage and children came to my head, " You need one husband and make babies. You are my daughter, you need kid not puppies. But No Money ,No Hunny." And that's the short version and straight to her point. Then my response back , "Took much work, I haven't found one, no one wants me." Then her last response would be , "No worry, I will find one for you and one for me". Standing in that church with a mask on , I am smiling there just listening to her and trying not to cry.
When it came to reading of the names of those her passed on, hearing her name didn't seem real to hear and yet I still think she would just appear from the crowd and say, "No". After her name was spoken then the names of kin came next. When I heard my own name spoken by the priest in a English accent ,he said Casey not Cassie. Making eye contact with some family members all I could do is try not to laugh out loud in such silence because I am thinking about another memory that came to mind. I was thinking about the times when she would write in my birthday cards, Christmas cards each year, sometimes it was to Casey not me exactly but close. Looking back at those times, I never correct her on that either it's what made her special. And maybe that was her funny sign to me without anyone noticing why it was funny to me at least.
Visiting her that day after church, I could feel her presence but not actually touching her with the light breeze flowing. Placing the flowers for her and my Dede seemed to be a dream still not reality. But our family circle around them felt too real for it to be a dream. Standing there holding hands, I can hear voice around me, remembering all the conversation we had together. The voicemails she left on my phone that I still have. The smell of the incense floating in the wind, all of us with our head down saying our thoughts to both of them after prayer. Leaving never seems real, never seems right either as time feels thin each time. As much time I spent with her, with them and the memories I have on my heart, in photographs still feel as if it wasn't enough time either.
Went to a brunch with family around felt like she was the missing piece even if it was for her. Sitting with family I haven't seen in while, just being with them felt like all those all parties, family gatherings with her and I felt like I was waiting for my Nene to seat next to me holding my hand.
Just being in the moment with aunties and uncles talking about her was the most precious thing. Taking about the few things I figured out her recipes without any of her recipes on hand like she has said all my life, "You taste and you know to put more or no more". Finding out Mujadarah is the hardest one to get down, After our second attempt we figure it out. One of the most beautiful thing was hear Nora talking about her, saying how they would have coffee all the time together each week. And growing up I can remember all the wiser ladies and men would gather together and have a mid afternoon coffee each week. When I heard those words I remembered those exact words being spoken by my Nene which I found beautiful.
Looking around the group that joined I see them not as who have aged to but who they all were to another lifetime ago. I can picture my Nene asking someone to help her get something from her car. Knowing full well she was suppose to bring one thing to the party and the back seat was full of platters as if she was cooking for hundreds of people or an army, Cheese borrege, Sarma, Dolma and cookies in-between the other trays. Then head to the kitchen with the platters where all the other ladies are making food for a party. I can see cousins running around playing with each other and now they are adults now. I see my grandfather with his nephews each one of them having a small coffee ,talking and maybe having a cigarette as well after the meal. Also they all share a cheeky grin with each other, I was always wondered if they were up to something but then again they were always smiling. And the younger version of uncles with father around the older gentlemen to but joking around and playing basketball at the same time. Then the ladies would seat down for a minute or two and share a cup of coffee as well, chatting life while holding little ones well. That's what I see another life in another time and yet in the present time too. I can smile about those memories and the memories forming currently.
Dear Marie, I wish you were here right now, in the kitchen the smell of your cooking floating our house. I wish you could tell me how to make all the recipes all over again. I wish I could see you walking in those rose pink slippers in the kitchen. I wish you tell me that we need a vacation to Las Vegas and party the night away. I wish you can tell me that I need to give you great-grand kids. I wish you would call me to explain my father's bookface post of the day to you. I wish I could be watching Big fat Greek Wedding for the one hundredth of time cuddling in bed. I wish I could hear you and Dede's love story one more time. I wish you were braiding my wet curly hair one more time and hear that lullable that you would sing each grand child to sleep. I wish you would be at my wedding, seeing grandbabies and to every special moment in my life. I wish the most to hear the words, " I won't worry and no never."
So, " Nene Don't worry , Don't forget me. Love you."
The unexpected part of life is time. Time can be pulled from us any second and I think sometimes we don't even realize it's happening at the same time of our presence. And if the past year has taught us Time can't be slowed down, even if we tired to make it slow down ,we can't. That we should do everything we desire to in this life, spend time with all of those in our hearts. Let things go, Fix things physically, emotionally with everyone that means the most to them. And Say things you want to say with your heart and soul because one day those words can never be spoken to those who needs to hear them. Never let time get ahead of you.
Thank you for reading this, I hope you enjoyed it and I didn't bring anyone to tears. That wasn't my aim to but to share what's on my heart and a reminder that time can't be paused and make things count in life. And if you read my original post last year, I thank you. And if you haven't read it before, please do; I have it link down below. I think looking back at all of my other work as a whole I ever written in life her piece is one that can't be repeated by my hand or out written by anything else I write from now on, ( In my opinion at least ) and I put every fiber of my being into those words. I Just hope I did her justice as she showed love to everyone she knew or came by. And her presence is missed but I know she around in her own way.
My love always,
Little Cassie
